the best laid plans...

i'm a planner. those of you who know me, know this is undeniably true. i like to have all the steps written down before i head down a path. my plans range from what am i doing after work today to what am i doing ten years from now... granted, i'm 26, so by now i've learned that my plans don't always work out. but that doesn't really stop me from making them. and clinging to the hope that things will go according to schedule.

for the past year and a half, my plan has been to go to grad school and come out on the other side with an MBA next to my name. i have hopes and dreams of making business better by facilitating sustainable practices and partnerships with nonprofits. and in preparation for grad school, i got a sweet internship at a company that does just that!

of course, as i'm sure you have figured out by now, things don't always work out how i planned. right now there is a possibility of a full-time job with this company. which would be awesome! except it would mean postponing grad school or canceling altogether. so...

really, i'm not complaining at all because my situation is win-win, right? either go back to school, which was my plan anyway, or get a job in the field i was hoping to get into after school. my problem right now isn't either outcome, it's getting my head into a place where i'm okay with changing plans. my coworker said to me "kristin, would you have come back to colorado if it wasn't for school?" and i said "no way" and she made the great argument of "maybe the whole point was to get you back to colorado for the purpose of getting this job..." oh geez. the bait and switch. i'm convinced that's God's only successful way of getting me to do anything in life. trick me into thinking i have a plan, and then throw a bonus wrench into the gears.

in any case, the job hasn't been offered, it's just a possibility that i have to bring up to my boss this week. so no decisions have to be made right now. except maybe the decision to let go?

the joy i can derive from this, though, is that every time i go through this same trial, it gets easier and easier to say "thy will be done."

somewhere over the rainbow

sometimes being back in boulder feels like i've stumbled out of reality and into some bizarre sideways world. i mean, i've been gone for long enough that i've grown up and changed in a lot of ways from how i was the last time i lived here. i don't mean to say that i'm a different person, because that's just not true. but i do have different viewpoints about life and a different ways of interacting with the world around me.

so it's very strange to come back to a place that is so familiar, and it throws all of that into stark relief. people always say it's good to do self-audits and check yourself back against what you were doing a year, two years, before. this is like a forced self-audit every day of my life.

it's interesting to run into people i know, and maybe have even kept in touch with, and realize that i exist differently in their mind and memory than i do in present day reality. but that bothers me less than it used to when i would run into people from high school. i think what is really exciting about this daily insight into where i was and where i am is that i'm really happy about where i am right now. i have no regrets of what the last few years have brought into my life. i feel like i am a richer person for the experiences and how they have shaped me.

and i'm even letting go of my incessant need to be understood by everyone i meet. if they get me now...great! if not...too bad! what freedom comes from taking that stance!!!

attitude revisted

sorry that i've been neglecting this blog for the past few months. i don't feel terribly guilty about it though, because i have been regularly writing on my other blog...bucketlistnola.tumblr.com

i know, i know, why do i have two blogs? because i like for things to be organized. and i wanted a space where i could specifically write about my last few months in new orleans. i wanted a dedicated compartment for those thoughts. unfortunately that means that this blog, my more general blog, has been neglected for awhile. but i think it reflects my state of mind right now. everything is about my move. everything.

i mention on bucketlistnola that about a month ago i had a switch click and my perspective about moving seemed to change. the first few months of this year were very focused on New Orleans and how much i can wring out of my time left here. things were going great and it was very easy to stay "in the moment" as they say. then a bunch of stuff changed. and i started to realize that i needed to begin making the emotional/mental shift to prepare for my very physical shift.

i won't lie, things have been rough. i mean, outwardly i've still been having fun and everything, but i can feel myself pulling away. i realized this in a big way on sunday night with my small group. a very familiar topic of discussion rose to the surface (the necessity of community for a Christian life) and there were a few statements made that i disagreed with and certain tones of voice that were slightly offensive to me. ordinarily i'm the type to sit there and talk it out until the air is cleared, but i found myself literally thinking "what's the point? i'm leaving anyway..."

um...what?!?! some of you might not understand what the big deal is. because it's true, i am leaving. but just because i'm leaving does not mean that i am pulling out of the community that the Lord has blessed me with during my time here. and it scared me that i had that thought.

now, i don't believe the specific conversation needs to be revisited, but my attitude certainly does. i need to make sure i'm not unintentionally or otherwise pushing people away as i'm getting ready to leave.

so, not the most exciting thing i've posted about, but it's what in my head right now...

getting closer to jesus

last night i participated in a lovely discussion with some of the ladies in my small group. we read matthew chapter 6 and focused on the last section that talks about storing treasures in heaven vs. storing treasures on earth. basically we wondered, what does it mean to store treasures in heaven and what are those treasures?

after contemplating our relationships with others, being kind, etc... Laura made the statement that she doesn't believe it has to do with any of that. but what we have to focus on is how do we get closer to Jesus? what does that look like? how can we spend our days getting closer to Him?

one of the struggles we all face is feeling the need to justify our actions to the people around us. for example, how would your neighbor react if, in response to the question "what did you do today?" you responded "i tried to get closer to Jesus." i imagine they would look confused and after a pause say something along the lines of "great, but what did you DO?"

so what do we do? a) listen. or practice listening to God's voice. what is He urging us to do? where does He want to meet us? who does He want to speak through? b) try to find Him. this is again where practice comes in. we have to practice reading God's word. thanking Him for the blessings He gives. acknowledging Him when we do have an encounter.

i'm sure there are other ways, but for right now i'm subscribing to the K.I.S.S. method (keep it simple, stupid!) in the midst of my usual rushed monday morning routine, i forced myself to sit down and read my daily dose of ozzy chambers while eating my frozen waffles. and you know what he had to say? spiritual tenacity. sticking to it with the expectation that something will happen.

i'll take that as God's way of giving me some encouragement to keep moving closer to Him this week.

who would you have dinner with?

remember those questions contemplated in the wee hours of the morning? or on road trips? or in a hot tub? i feel like we always talked about them in hot tubs...those hypothetical scenario questions.

if you could be anywhere, doing anything, with anyone, what would it be and where and with whom? (except we probably didn't say "with whom") if you were stranded on an island and could only bring three things, what would you bring? if you had to choose one food and that's all you could eat for the rest of your life, what would it be?

if you could have dinner with three people, dead or alive, who would you choose?

i'm pretty sure my answer to that question in high school was always "jesus, john belushi, and madonna." (and what a dinner that would be!)

for some reason i was thinking about this question the other day, maybe someone said something in a conversation or it was on the radio, i'm not sure. but i do know that my answer would be completely different now.

first of all, i wouldn't pick jesus. not because i don't want to meet the guy and chat with him, but i just don't think i would pick him for this situation. okay. also, while i still really really really love john belushi, i feel like he might dominate the conversation in an obnoxious way. same with madonna (attention whore!)

so now who?

a) John Steinbeck: i've been plowing through a biography about my favorite author for the past couple years (i pick it up off and on) and he is a fascinating person! i mean, he knew how to have fun, he was passionate about his work and the world, and he really cared about his friends. i think i would very much like to share a meal with this man.

2) Johnny Depp: aside from the fact that i am desperately in love with this man, i think i would want him there for some of the same reasons i stated for Steinbeck. passionate, caring, and fun person. i would love to hear about his creative process and his views on hollywood. also i would make him sit at the table shirtless.

d) Kaela Jo: there are some people in your life who help you be the best version of yourself. Kaela is that for me. and who wouldn't want to be their best when having dinner with John Steinbeck and Johnny Depp??

hmmm...there seems to be a theme in my life with the name john. i wonder what that means...

tired and cranky

probably because i haven't eaten anything today. which is also probably why i have a headache. but i'm waiting for the mechanic to be finished with my car. and sitting in a coffee shop in the meantime. but i'm tired of sitting here. i want to go home and make myself some mac and cheese. and a spinach salad.

how long does it really take to fix my brakes anyway? and really, do i have to wait until you are done with all those other cars first? UGH. not the happiest camper right now. probably because i'm hungry.

January 12, 2010

as you have gathered, january 12 is my birthday. this year i went about my business, mostly unaware of what was happening in the world. i heard about the earthquake in Haiti, but didn't actively pursue more information because i had more important things to think about, like what i was going to wear out that night.

in the days after, i saw news reports and read articles about the conditions in Haiti, the rising death toll, the reality of what was happening and it was too much. it didn't seem real to me and i felt really removed from what was happening.

then i got an email about the good friend of a family i'm close with. she is Haitian and hadn't heard from her extended family who lives there. on top of that, her parents had been in port au prince for a visit and she hadn't heard from them either. boom, it was real. it was touching me. i had spent an easter with regine, her husband, and their little boy when they were in town visiting the blundells. she had encouraged me to pursue a phd in literature.

thankfully, regine heard from her family and they are all as safe as they can be during this time. her parents are medical professionals and have been helping out in the hospital as much as possible. thank the lord that they survived and are able to put the gifts he's given them to work helping others.

i still feel a little hazy about everything that's happening. it's so big that i can't really wrap my mind around it. but i feel a bit more grounded and empowered after a meeting i had with local disaster response nonprofits yesterday. new orleans is going to start mobilizing efforts to provide whatever aid we can. supporting our local Haitian community and empowering them to help in reasonable ways. around the table yesterday people kept offering mental health and other services to the Haitian representatives who were present and they kept saying "what would help us deal with it is being able to help."

i feel the same way. and to all of you who might feel lost or hopeless in the face of this tragedy...you don't have to jump on a plane down to Haiti in order to help. donating helps. so does volunteering your time to inventory, sort, and package donations. trust me, that takes a lot more man-power than most of those relief organizations have.