the best laid plans...

i'm a planner. those of you who know me, know this is undeniably true. i like to have all the steps written down before i head down a path. my plans range from what am i doing after work today to what am i doing ten years from now... granted, i'm 26, so by now i've learned that my plans don't always work out. but that doesn't really stop me from making them. and clinging to the hope that things will go according to schedule.

for the past year and a half, my plan has been to go to grad school and come out on the other side with an MBA next to my name. i have hopes and dreams of making business better by facilitating sustainable practices and partnerships with nonprofits. and in preparation for grad school, i got a sweet internship at a company that does just that!

of course, as i'm sure you have figured out by now, things don't always work out how i planned. right now there is a possibility of a full-time job with this company. which would be awesome! except it would mean postponing grad school or canceling altogether. so...

really, i'm not complaining at all because my situation is win-win, right? either go back to school, which was my plan anyway, or get a job in the field i was hoping to get into after school. my problem right now isn't either outcome, it's getting my head into a place where i'm okay with changing plans. my coworker said to me "kristin, would you have come back to colorado if it wasn't for school?" and i said "no way" and she made the great argument of "maybe the whole point was to get you back to colorado for the purpose of getting this job..." oh geez. the bait and switch. i'm convinced that's God's only successful way of getting me to do anything in life. trick me into thinking i have a plan, and then throw a bonus wrench into the gears.

in any case, the job hasn't been offered, it's just a possibility that i have to bring up to my boss this week. so no decisions have to be made right now. except maybe the decision to let go?

the joy i can derive from this, though, is that every time i go through this same trial, it gets easier and easier to say "thy will be done."

somewhere over the rainbow

sometimes being back in boulder feels like i've stumbled out of reality and into some bizarre sideways world. i mean, i've been gone for long enough that i've grown up and changed in a lot of ways from how i was the last time i lived here. i don't mean to say that i'm a different person, because that's just not true. but i do have different viewpoints about life and a different ways of interacting with the world around me.

so it's very strange to come back to a place that is so familiar, and it throws all of that into stark relief. people always say it's good to do self-audits and check yourself back against what you were doing a year, two years, before. this is like a forced self-audit every day of my life.

it's interesting to run into people i know, and maybe have even kept in touch with, and realize that i exist differently in their mind and memory than i do in present day reality. but that bothers me less than it used to when i would run into people from high school. i think what is really exciting about this daily insight into where i was and where i am is that i'm really happy about where i am right now. i have no regrets of what the last few years have brought into my life. i feel like i am a richer person for the experiences and how they have shaped me.

and i'm even letting go of my incessant need to be understood by everyone i meet. if they get me now...great! if not...too bad! what freedom comes from taking that stance!!!

attitude revisted

sorry that i've been neglecting this blog for the past few months. i don't feel terribly guilty about it though, because i have been regularly writing on my other blog...bucketlistnola.tumblr.com

i know, i know, why do i have two blogs? because i like for things to be organized. and i wanted a space where i could specifically write about my last few months in new orleans. i wanted a dedicated compartment for those thoughts. unfortunately that means that this blog, my more general blog, has been neglected for awhile. but i think it reflects my state of mind right now. everything is about my move. everything.

i mention on bucketlistnola that about a month ago i had a switch click and my perspective about moving seemed to change. the first few months of this year were very focused on New Orleans and how much i can wring out of my time left here. things were going great and it was very easy to stay "in the moment" as they say. then a bunch of stuff changed. and i started to realize that i needed to begin making the emotional/mental shift to prepare for my very physical shift.

i won't lie, things have been rough. i mean, outwardly i've still been having fun and everything, but i can feel myself pulling away. i realized this in a big way on sunday night with my small group. a very familiar topic of discussion rose to the surface (the necessity of community for a Christian life) and there were a few statements made that i disagreed with and certain tones of voice that were slightly offensive to me. ordinarily i'm the type to sit there and talk it out until the air is cleared, but i found myself literally thinking "what's the point? i'm leaving anyway..."

um...what?!?! some of you might not understand what the big deal is. because it's true, i am leaving. but just because i'm leaving does not mean that i am pulling out of the community that the Lord has blessed me with during my time here. and it scared me that i had that thought.

now, i don't believe the specific conversation needs to be revisited, but my attitude certainly does. i need to make sure i'm not unintentionally or otherwise pushing people away as i'm getting ready to leave.

so, not the most exciting thing i've posted about, but it's what in my head right now...

getting closer to jesus

last night i participated in a lovely discussion with some of the ladies in my small group. we read matthew chapter 6 and focused on the last section that talks about storing treasures in heaven vs. storing treasures on earth. basically we wondered, what does it mean to store treasures in heaven and what are those treasures?

after contemplating our relationships with others, being kind, etc... Laura made the statement that she doesn't believe it has to do with any of that. but what we have to focus on is how do we get closer to Jesus? what does that look like? how can we spend our days getting closer to Him?

one of the struggles we all face is feeling the need to justify our actions to the people around us. for example, how would your neighbor react if, in response to the question "what did you do today?" you responded "i tried to get closer to Jesus." i imagine they would look confused and after a pause say something along the lines of "great, but what did you DO?"

so what do we do? a) listen. or practice listening to God's voice. what is He urging us to do? where does He want to meet us? who does He want to speak through? b) try to find Him. this is again where practice comes in. we have to practice reading God's word. thanking Him for the blessings He gives. acknowledging Him when we do have an encounter.

i'm sure there are other ways, but for right now i'm subscribing to the K.I.S.S. method (keep it simple, stupid!) in the midst of my usual rushed monday morning routine, i forced myself to sit down and read my daily dose of ozzy chambers while eating my frozen waffles. and you know what he had to say? spiritual tenacity. sticking to it with the expectation that something will happen.

i'll take that as God's way of giving me some encouragement to keep moving closer to Him this week.

who would you have dinner with?

remember those questions contemplated in the wee hours of the morning? or on road trips? or in a hot tub? i feel like we always talked about them in hot tubs...those hypothetical scenario questions.

if you could be anywhere, doing anything, with anyone, what would it be and where and with whom? (except we probably didn't say "with whom") if you were stranded on an island and could only bring three things, what would you bring? if you had to choose one food and that's all you could eat for the rest of your life, what would it be?

if you could have dinner with three people, dead or alive, who would you choose?

i'm pretty sure my answer to that question in high school was always "jesus, john belushi, and madonna." (and what a dinner that would be!)

for some reason i was thinking about this question the other day, maybe someone said something in a conversation or it was on the radio, i'm not sure. but i do know that my answer would be completely different now.

first of all, i wouldn't pick jesus. not because i don't want to meet the guy and chat with him, but i just don't think i would pick him for this situation. okay. also, while i still really really really love john belushi, i feel like he might dominate the conversation in an obnoxious way. same with madonna (attention whore!)

so now who?

a) John Steinbeck: i've been plowing through a biography about my favorite author for the past couple years (i pick it up off and on) and he is a fascinating person! i mean, he knew how to have fun, he was passionate about his work and the world, and he really cared about his friends. i think i would very much like to share a meal with this man.

2) Johnny Depp: aside from the fact that i am desperately in love with this man, i think i would want him there for some of the same reasons i stated for Steinbeck. passionate, caring, and fun person. i would love to hear about his creative process and his views on hollywood. also i would make him sit at the table shirtless.

d) Kaela Jo: there are some people in your life who help you be the best version of yourself. Kaela is that for me. and who wouldn't want to be their best when having dinner with John Steinbeck and Johnny Depp??

hmmm...there seems to be a theme in my life with the name john. i wonder what that means...

tired and cranky

probably because i haven't eaten anything today. which is also probably why i have a headache. but i'm waiting for the mechanic to be finished with my car. and sitting in a coffee shop in the meantime. but i'm tired of sitting here. i want to go home and make myself some mac and cheese. and a spinach salad.

how long does it really take to fix my brakes anyway? and really, do i have to wait until you are done with all those other cars first? UGH. not the happiest camper right now. probably because i'm hungry.

January 12, 2010

as you have gathered, january 12 is my birthday. this year i went about my business, mostly unaware of what was happening in the world. i heard about the earthquake in Haiti, but didn't actively pursue more information because i had more important things to think about, like what i was going to wear out that night.

in the days after, i saw news reports and read articles about the conditions in Haiti, the rising death toll, the reality of what was happening and it was too much. it didn't seem real to me and i felt really removed from what was happening.

then i got an email about the good friend of a family i'm close with. she is Haitian and hadn't heard from her extended family who lives there. on top of that, her parents had been in port au prince for a visit and she hadn't heard from them either. boom, it was real. it was touching me. i had spent an easter with regine, her husband, and their little boy when they were in town visiting the blundells. she had encouraged me to pursue a phd in literature.

thankfully, regine heard from her family and they are all as safe as they can be during this time. her parents are medical professionals and have been helping out in the hospital as much as possible. thank the lord that they survived and are able to put the gifts he's given them to work helping others.

i still feel a little hazy about everything that's happening. it's so big that i can't really wrap my mind around it. but i feel a bit more grounded and empowered after a meeting i had with local disaster response nonprofits yesterday. new orleans is going to start mobilizing efforts to provide whatever aid we can. supporting our local Haitian community and empowering them to help in reasonable ways. around the table yesterday people kept offering mental health and other services to the Haitian representatives who were present and they kept saying "what would help us deal with it is being able to help."

i feel the same way. and to all of you who might feel lost or hopeless in the face of this tragedy...you don't have to jump on a plane down to Haiti in order to help. donating helps. so does volunteering your time to inventory, sort, and package donations. trust me, that takes a lot more man-power than most of those relief organizations have.

overwhelmed...

okay, i know facebook makes it super easy for people to remember your birthday and comment and all that. but i also know how often i ignore birthdays and don't comment. and i can't help but assume that the rest of the population is like me.

so i was overwhelmed by all the happy birthdays i got yesterday. i know it's just a few seconds of someone's day to write "happy birthday" and click to post. but it still makes me feel loved that so many people took those few seconds to wish me well. especially the people i haven't talked to in YEARS! i mean, old coworkers from nashville. people i met my first year at CU. my mom's friends. they all paid attention to the fact that it was my birthday, and despite the brevity of their comments, i truly believe that they wish me well.

it is a good reminder that no matter where we go or what we do, we can touch people and leave an impression.

so that's my sappy birthday lesson for this year. cheers!

26 is the new 25

for some reason i feel like my life is more "together" than it was a year ago. maybe it is...or maybe my perspective has changed somewhat.

i'm leaning towards the latter.

back on track...

yesterday i mentioned a few of my resolutions. i did not include "writing more" as a resolution because i have no way to measure the results of "more." also, because i don't want to set some expectation for myself of writing every single day. i know that i would fail at that goal and then beat myself up about it later...

while i was home for christmas i watched julie and julia with my family. despite the fact that the movie has no real arc to the story, i thought it was entertaining enough. i mean, it combined two of my favorite hobbies: cooking and writing! so, while i'm not making it an official resolution, i am going to make a solid attempt to write more this year. just like i made a solid attempt to write more last year. one of these years it's going to stick.

i mean, i think i'm making progress in my writing discipline. i'm already more comfortable starting my writing this year than i would have been at this point last year. so that's good. but this is all just rambling and i did have something i wanted to say today.

i had a friend from new orleans come out to colorado to celebrate new year's eve and to visit for a few days. it was super fun to show her my "roots" (those of you who know me know that i don't really have roots, but the CO is the closest i get). she got to meet my friends, see my mountains, eat at my favorite restaurants, drink at my favorite bars, hang out with my family, etc... it was fun to show her what my life is like in the CO.

it always makes me feel a little bit more grounded in reality when i get to bring my worlds together like that, whether it is someone visiting new orleans from colorado or colorado from new orleans. it's like bringing the two halves together to make a whole. which also makes me more aware of the chunk of my life i'll be leaving behind when i leave new orleans. i know i'm making the right step and i am so excited to move back to colorado, but it's going to be a bittersweet move, heavy on the bitter.

a friend of mine once passed on a bit of advice (he's even more of a nomad than i am!): always live so that when you move away, you miss something about it. i think it's a good reminder for me to immerse myself in my present life. live in the moment. the here and now is the only REAL reality.

117 days left and i'm going to make them count.

new year/new you

i LOVE resolutions/goals/plans/etc... i love looking at the places where i want to improve or change my life and setting myself up for success. usually i go a little overboard at the beginning of a new year because everyone is writing resolutions and i just get so excited! so i put together a little (LONG) list of resolutions myself.

i'll share just a few of them with you:

-get regular haircuts this year! i usually wait and wait and wait until i look like a shaggy dog with a mullet before i begin thinking about making an appointment. not this year!

-play my cello more often i still get it out every once in awhile, but i want to be more structured in my practice/playing time. i really enjoy it.

-don't date anyone under the age of 24 i'm turning 26 in a few days and i think it's time to start focusing any dating energy on grown-ups. hopefully this will be easier to achieve in colorado.

-climb a fourteener!! i've never done this and i might be the only person in colorado who hasn't. it will be done before the end of the year.

-organize my favorite recipes i pull recipes off of food blogs and cooking websites, from friends, and out of the stack of cookbooks i have on my shelf. i want to put all my favorite ones in one place. my own cookbook.

there are a few more, but i think this is a good list to stick to. the tricky part of resolutions or goals is their tendency to be vague or open-ended. but out of this list of five, three of them are outright goals with measurable results (have i climbed a fourteener? yes or no) and the other two are simple enough to put into a schedule (hair appointments every 3 months...)

i'm pretty excited for what this year has to offer! and i'm still sticking to my overall motto of more men in 2010!!!

thankful...

i know thanksgiving will be here soon enough and we will all take 5 minutes to think about what we are thankful for...but i wanted to jump in a little early!

we all know that i've very thankful for several opportunities looming on my horizon (grad school, moving back to colorado, etc...) but i'm trying to be a little more "now" centric. what am i thankful for that i have right this minute?

-my cozy little apartment (even though it is falling apart around me!)
-good friends who love me
-my klean kanteen
-a boss who cares about my well-being
-leftover enchiladas in my fridge
-my family! (they just rock all around!)

new goal

i know i've been so mia from this blog for a long time. i was talking to my mom about it and i think if i had internet at home and more time to devote to it i would be better about updating. or maybe if i felt okay just writing a short post every day instead of the novels i usually create.

speaking of novels...i was talking to a friend on saturday about how when i was younger i was fine going anywhere with my mom as long as i had a book. i used to get so lost in books. and it's been a long time since that's happened for me.

i think since i graduated from college i've wanted to keep up my "intellectual street cred" up so i make myself read books that have more heft to them and take a lot of thought. i don't think there is anything wrong with this practice, it's good to keep myself challenged. but i'm thinking i need to throw a few light reads into the mix to remind myself that reading isn't all about work. it can be fun and relaxing and a great way to escape stress.

so this is a goal of mine...to find a book that's just fun...after i finish David Carr's memoir, of course.

and the whirlwind begins...

or i guess i should say continues...

i got into grad school at DU. i found out this information as i was bringing my sister's dry cleaning inside before getting ready to go to the rehearsal for her wedding. needless to say...it was an overwhelming moment for me. i was so wrapped up in my excitement for my sister and all of a sudden i switched gears. after the phone call and some hugs and tears with the fam, i switched back into wedding gear. i didn't want anything (even my own happy news) to distract me from my sister's happy happy day!

but now she is married and on her honeymoon and i'm back in new orleans facing the reality of my future. 6-7 more months in nola. trying to figure out what that will look like, how i'm going to pay for grad school, how moving back in with parents is going to work, what i'm going to do in the CO next summer, what kind of legacy i want to leave at my current job, how i'm going to remove myself from resposibilities at church but still remain involved, etc...

6 months seems equal parts forever and the blink of an eye right now. luckily i have the mental capacity to realize that it is too soon to start packing, but not too soon to start shedding possessions (i like to move with the minimum amount of stuff).

if there is one thing that makes me truly excited about the next 6 months it is how many lists and plans i get to make!! i know, mentally ill, but i love love love that stuff!

the greatest feeling in the world...

i think one of the greatest feelings in the world is being able to say "i did all i could and i did it to the best of my ability." luckily, that's how i feel about finishing up my grad school admissions process. i had an interview this morning, which was the final piece. they should have a decision to me in about two weeks. i feel that i have a strong application, but i also know that if they don't accept me i won't look back and say woulda coulda shoulda about anything. i studied my butt off for the GMAT (and it paid off!), i submitted good essays, i got two great recommendations, and i kicked butt in my interview. so if they don't accept me, it isn't because i didn't represent myself in the best light. and that feels good.

i wish the rockies could feel the same way i do right now. but i don't really think they do...

signs of latent stress

1) road rage. at first i thought there was just an increase in traffic at unreasonable times, and then i realized it was just an increase in my annoyance at every other person on the road.

2) saying (or typing) every thought i have. not that i'm a particularly filtered person to begin with...but there are things that shouldn't be released into the wild.

3) having extra-sharp snarky thoughts. which then is compounded by the above impulse.

4) accepting every offer. this is incredibly counter-intuitive, i know. but when i'm stressed or pressed for time, i have a harder time setting and keeping my boundaries. signing up to cook pizza and cupcakes for 6 people the night before leaving on a 10 day trip for which you haven't packed yet? sure! sounds like a great idea!

5) not sleeping. umm...no surprise here, i guess.

6) bizarre dreams. like...being part of a deep-sea exploration team and running into old high school friends on the sea floor.

7) having a heightened emotional relationship to music. ie: yelling at the radio when it plays stupid music. getting teary-eyed when kbco.com plays g-love and special sauce.

8) craving oreos and peanut butter. this was my go to snack stress snack freshmen year of college. the desire for it completely took over in the grocery store the other day.

9) getting irrationally angry at my boss. for having a loud desk chair.

10) then getting frustrated at myself that i can't seem to control any of the above.

if this is how i am two weeks before my sister's wedding...God help the people who are around me if i ever get married!!

the easy part is meeting them. the hard part is everything else...

being a single twenty-something female is an interesting experience. although, i will concede that my experience does not stand as a universal truth by any stretch of the imagination. i live in new orleans (party city!), i have ZERO single male friends, i have several friends who are married, pregnant, or already have kids. also, i am pretty fearless with the opposite sex.

i throw that last fact in because i have a lot of single female friends who aren't. they have a very different experience from me in that they don't "meet" people. i've gotten to the point, however, where i realize that a man isn't going to just show up at my door and announce that he is my new boyfriend, best friend, future husband, whatever. granted, if someone did that, i'm pretty sure i would slam the door shut faster than you can say "God's gift to women..."

now, not every guy i meet when i'm out is worth even the time it takes me to smile and say hello. i can usually judge that pretty quickly (practice makes perfect, i guess). take for example friday night of this past week. in an effort to "put myself out there" in a variety of different situations, i went to a social event hosted by my friend's nonprofit. i dragged my friend along with me a) for support, 2) because we always lament the lack of "new people" in our lives, and d) you always need a wingman. there were plenty of new people there, male and female. we had mojitos, chips and dip, and pasta salad along with our social interaction.

after chatting up several different people (even exchanging business cards! but for work purposes only) two young gentlemen approached our corner of the room. they strategically placed themselves so that a conversation would be inevitable (not very subtley, i might add). anyway, i began chatting first with B, who initiated conversation while his wingman casually engaged my previous conversation partner. B was actually very charming, funny, attractive, etc... he was able to do three things in the conversation that i appreciated. he could stay on topic (and not just talk about himself), he could make me laugh with comments that fit into the conversation, and he would occasionally refer back to an earlier part of the conversation which accomplishes two things, proves he was listening and makes it feel like we have an established friendship already.

eventually my friend joined the conversation along with B's friend, G. we were all having a grand time talking and laughing. nothing seemed amiss and there was definitely a spark of interest between myself and B. but as the conversation kept going, it became obvious to me at some point that the next step needed to be taken. so i began with "what are you guys doing later tonight?" (it was only about 8:30 at this point).

what followed was a disaster. B said something dumb along the lines of "oh, probably something alone, by myself. it's a lonely city" to which i replied, unamused "really? new orleans is a lonely city?" then B and G proceeded to shoot sideways glances at each other, laugh, and refer to some sort of "inside joke." ugh. over it. and we left.

our next encounter was with two guys at one of our regular bars. i was feeling a little saucy at that point, so after catching A's eye a few times i finally winked at him. and of course he came over with his friend...?...to chat. while i thought A was hilarious and fun...my friend was not equally amused with ? so after dragging her with me to go to another bar with them and play a game of pool, i had to inform A that i needed to get my friend home. she was over it. so i gave A my number, bid him farewell, and hoped for the best. haven't heard from him since.

the easy part is meeting them. the hard part is everything else.

if nothing else, i'm becoming more open to meeting new people and, at the same time, more discerning about who actually deserves my time and energy when i'm out with friends. at least, that's what i'm hoping to get from this whole experience.

in other news...
i'm a sucker for obscure pop-culture references. i'll forgive a lot of sins if you can pull out lines like "in the game LIFE, did you always go to college?" (of course my answer was "yes, always" and his was "never, waste of six spaces")

what i was trying to say yesterday...

i was not super pleased about my post yesterday. i don't think i was in a good mindset to write, but had a lot to say. today i wrote an email to a good friend of mine from high school and i think it conveys my sentiments in a more eloquent fashion...

if there is one good thing about living away from colorado, it's the ability to recognize the kind of climate/geography we need to stay sane. i do not think i can tolerate another louisiana summer!!! i'm wrapping up my fourth, since i spent two summers here before i moved. ugh...so gross and sweaty and frizzy and my allergies act up like they've never done before! so looking forward to colorado weather!

i'm sorry that oregon hasn't been a dream come true. not that anyone ever expected oregon to be a dream come true...except maybe those on the oregon trail. but man, that trail was a bitch! anyway, i am proud of you for sticking to your guns and pursuing your interests! and for finding the little things to help you keep going in the midst of all the muck. i've definitely had that experience here.

every once in awhile i'm so overcome by the poverty and depression and struggle to rebuild a city...and i just need what i call "good new orleans moments" (insanely clever, i know!) i needed a lot of them this week. i went for a walk in the gorgeous park by my house and enjoyed the live oaks, spanish moss, and magnolia trees. i went to my favorite bar for pint night and added to my collection of glasses from there. i drove across the river just to be able to say "i have to cross the river tonight." it's those little things that keep us going, eh?

but it still doesn't always compare to taking a walk down pearl street. getting a soy chai at Trident. going for a hike in chataqua. driving up to rocky mountain national park to watch the aspens change right before your eyes. spending a day skiing and the evening drinking beer around an actual fire... maybe i should stop now before i ruin both of our lives.

anyway, i know you are a smart, strong, capable woman and you will have no problem with your field work and breezing through graduation! hope to see you at some point in the near future! love love.

good new orleans moments

every once in awhile i get so consumed with all the crap going on in my life that i forget to enjoy where i am. and i don't really mean "to be content in my circumstances." i mean to really embrace the fact that i live in New Orleans, a place with a lot of history, culture, and fun places to experience. i won't live here forever (hopefully) and i need to soak it up while i can.

usually when i have these kinds of revelations, i go for a walk in audubon park, which i've written about many times before. however, it has rained every afternoon this week and the sun is starting to set earlier making walks in the park after work a difficult thing to manage. so last night i went to pint night at the bulldog.

now, the bulldog isn't special when compared to other places in the city, but it holds a special place in my relationship with new orleans. it was one of the only "locals" bars open in the summer of 2006 when i first came down as a volunteer. so anytime we wanted a beer, the whole crew would meet up at the bulldog and crowd around one of the outside picnic tables. there was a huge community feel to the crowd there. everyone was friends with each other by default of us being back in the city that summer.

so last night i needed to feel good about new orleans. and i added two more pint glasses to my collection.

writing for the sake of writing

two nights ago i sat on a friend's couch discussing a short story she had written. it was amazing to to me to see how interacted with her characters. they were people outside of her own imagination. it made me jealous for those with the creative energy to create fiction pieces.

i've always been a first person prose kind of writer, not very good at making up believable story lines. i can craft a fairly good piece of analysis (if i do say so myself).

however, i remember in high school my friend and i would write each other stories. they were fairy tales, really, composed of characters from our every day lives. she and i were the main characters (of course) and the boys we fancied would weave their way in and out of the stories. if they ever did something to hurt us in real life, we would kill them off in our fairy tale world. girls we didn't like were always cast as the evil witch and our other friends made cameos at balls and weddings.

i don't think those stories would have ever passed for actual writing in the one fiction class i took in college. i really upped my game for that one. and i still got a C. ugh.