a means in itself

so i've been a little neglectful of my blog over the past two weeks. but my reasons are mostly because i've been caught up in real world happenings! which is good! mostly. *sigh* i'll try not to make this post too melancholy, because it isn't how i feel in the grander scheme.

to start with, i wrote a piece about this yesterday and was planning to post it today. but unfortunately my mac does not want to cooperate with me until i resolve it's "kernel panic." blech. so here goes my attempt at re-creation...

i've often written about the funk that 20-somethings go through. what has been termed "quarter-life crisis." who am i? what am i doing with my life? where am i going? how do i get there? etc??? realizing that all of these questions seem to point to the fact that we should be bigger, grander, and more important that we feel. afterall, aren't we the generation of "you can be whatever you want to be?"

but what if it isn't about the grandious, world-changing, rock-your-face off things? i recently had a friend recount to me that she suddenly remembered how much she loves to dance. and why she loves it. she said "I was talking about it to someone....it's one of the only things in my life that is a means in itself...not a means to an end..I think it's so important to have those things..." now, this shouldn't be such a revelation, but i think it is.

why do i keep making my life about what it should be? i enter into almost everything in my life with an attitude of "this is okay, but where can it get me?" and quite frankly, that's exhausting! i don't have enough in my life that is a means in itself...not a means to an end.

one thing that pops into my mind is my relationship with church right now. as you may or may not know, i am in a position of leadership at my church. and with this position comes a lot of weight and responsibility about the future of our (struggling) congregation. i don't really remember the last time that i walked into my church on a sunday morning with the attitude that i was there to worship God as a means in itself. it always seems like a stepping stone to something else. something in the future.

this is a destructive mindset, in my opinion. read: i am not advocating a lifestyle without future planning! but Jesus even tells us himself that we should not worry about the future. should my goal be to wake up every morning with the goal of that day to be simply an opportunity to worship? i think yes.