january 12. my birthday.

i woke up yesterday morning, early enough to have some breakfast and check my email before making it to my weekly nonprofit meeting. i had fallen asleep in what i had been wearing since the previous afternoon, so i thought a costume change would be prudent. problem was, most of my pants were still wet from saturday laundry day. (i've stopped using the dryer. this saves me $1.25 a load and it's a little more envirofriendly) one pair of black pants were mostly dry, just a little stiff from hanging out the past two days. to remedy this problem, i hung them in front of my gas heater while i ran into the bedroom to change shirts.

i walked back into the living room to retrieve my pants, literally less than 3 minutes later, only to find a problem. a big problem. either my pants were too close or the heater was turned on too high because there was definitely a hole singed through the back of my pants. i snatched them up before further damage (read: flames!) could occur when my smoke detector started going off. at 8 am. i frantically dragged the closest chair over to the wall to yank the battery out. in an apartment where i can hear my neighbors shuffling papers next door, a fire alarm going off at 8 am was definitely going to be an issue. luckily i think i got it off fast enough that whoever it woke up could fall back asleep quickly enough.

so i stood there, the morning of my 25th birthday, with singed pants in one hand and my smoke detector in the other. i started to get that familiar feeling. anger, disappointment, frustration at my stupid decision or lack of focus that had led to this situation. the feelings gripped my chest and started to wrap their talons tighter. all of a sudden it was turning into my worst. birthday. ever! all before 8:30 am.

but something reminded me that it didn't have to be. i didn't have to be angry and disappointed and frustrated. i could inhale deeply (despite the wisps of smoke) and let go. so i did. and then i started laughing. hard. i had gotten so wrapped up in everything i had done wrong and could have done better that i missed the hilarity and ridiculousness of the situation. and boy was it hilarious and ridiculous!

years ago my grandmother (neeno) gave me a little trinket for christmas. she is one of those grandmothers who always finds little things that everyone else would pass right over. this trinket happens to be a little pewter cube that has the imprint of an angel on one side and the words "angels fly because they take themselves lightly" on another. while most of my other little trinkets have stayed behind in boxes at my parents' house, this little cube has travelled with me. and it reminds me that i must take myself lightly or forever be banished to crawling on the ground.

i almost let myself crawl through my 25 birthday, but i didn't. i made a choice to laugh and i flew. what was shaping up to be the worst. birthday. ever. became one of the best. soon after my laughter died down, i heard my work phone ringing. it was my boss telling me to take the day off and celebrate my birthday. so i did. with a big piece of chocolate cake for breakfast.

birthday reflections

one year ago today my cousin anthony collapsed and died while out on a run in his neighborhood. he had a heart condition that his doctor's had been monitoring, but no one knew it was so severe. his death was completely unexpected and tragic. he had been living with his older sister and her daughter in Macon, GA.

i got the call from my dad on my way home from work last year. i was in nashville, getting geared up to move to new orleans. it is strange how this kind of news hits you. my cousin and i weren't particularly close, i hadn't seen him in years. but all the same, he was someone who had been around my whole life. his existence as my cousin anthony had never been called into question.

the day after his death, my friends in nashville took me out for my birthday to my favorite fish'n'chips joint in east nashville. i hadn't wanted to go, but my roommate anna insisted. i ended up having a decent time thanks to greasy fried fish and generous helpings of sam adams.

the next morning i woke up and got in my car to drive to georgia. the wake was that night and the funeral service the next day. the rest of my family was flying out from the CO and i would meet them there. it was strange, thinking of them all together and me making my lonely trek across eastern tennessee and through the perils of atlanta drivers. i made it for the end part of the wake and viewing. my grandmother was beside herself, as to be expected, and kept telling me she was sorry for leaving my birthday card in the car. as if my birthday was more significant than this other thing that was happening to the family.

still, a year later, i can feel the sorrow and weight that was in that room with anthony's body. he was too young. he was 25.

i think i will always now connect my birthday with his death, them just being a day apart. it is a morbid and bittersweet reminder of how short life can be. last year he died at 25 and i was turning 24. and now a year later i am 25 and he is gone. how can i live my life so that if my days are cut as short as his were, no one will think of it as a loss? can i make my days so full that there is never a question that i am truly living?

last night over margarita's my friend jersey said to me, "i really feel like i am living everyday. some days are boring, sure, but this is where i am supposed to be and i'm *living* everyday."

am i truly living every single day? are you? from what i learned last year, anthony was.

i'm experiencing a lack of motivation at work this week, probably stemming from the fact that i had a meeting with my boss monday morning telling him i am officially looking for other jobs. this doesn't mean i will be leaving anytime soon or that my work now magically doesn't need to get done. but i am now consumed by the idea of change.

change has always been a big "something" in my life. i credit myself with being a "restless wanderer." while so far this has been true in my life, it is one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. i see myself as a person who moves around a lot and doesn't stay settled, so i tend to create situations for myself where this is the solution. or maybe that is just me being paranoid about myself.

in any case, i told my boss that i am looking for new jobs...mostly because there is currently no security for my job past june 30 and i don't want to sit around waiting until then to find out if i need a new job. this is the problem with your job being funded by grants! so i started looking around in new orleans...and elsewhere.

this has brought about all sorts of anxieties for me. money, moving, commitment issues...is it time for me to leave? am i abandoning my friends and church family down here? what about my commitment to be an elder at my church? is finding a good job worth leaving all this behind? where is GOD leading me? or is HE telling me to stay put?

those who know me know that i can talk myself in some pretty tight circles with these kinds of issues. i'm trying to step back, evaluate, pray, discuss (in logical terms), and decide.

the truth is i have found jobs that interest me all over the country, and none in new orleans...so far. i guess i just need to breathe *in* *out* and wait. i'm just no good at waiting.

feeling rather lethargic today. could be emotional hangover from yesterday? tough to be sure. but i did go see Marley and Me last night which inevitably reminded me of my old dog. Carmen. *sigh*

she was also a yellow lab and pretty incorrigible. also dumb as bricks. but she was the sweetest dog in the world. all she wanted was to love and be loved. isn't that the great thing about dogs? their capacity for unconditional love. i don't care what people say that casts doubt on their cognizant ability to love, i truly believe they love fully. Carmen did, at least.

i remember everything about our lives together, from going to pick her up from the breeder to watching her drift away that last day at the vet's office. oh i really can't talk about this now or i will start to cry.

if you have a dog, go give him or her a big hug from me. and remember to soak in their love.

today's winner was plain couscous with tomatoes and spinach. cook the couscous as you normally would...2 parts water to 1 part couscous (roughly) and when about 3/4 of the way done, add chopped tomatoes and spinach. stir to mix well. season with salt and pepper to taste. soooooo delish.

annnnnd now i'm off to take a walk in the park!

progress?

well, it's sunday, so i supposed a day off is in order...but!

1) i saved money by using a gift card for coffee today
2) i declined an invite to get a pedi (which i really don't like anyway) in an effort to spend less frivolously
3) used my leftover lentils to make a soup and it was good!

in other news, my apartment is a wreck because it has been storming and my ceiling leaks...right over where i keep my books! so there are stacks of books on my dining room table. i am also in the process of importing ALL of my cds to my computer. and apparently that can create quite a mess too.

one step forward, two steps back.

Happy New Year!

i have always hated new year's resolutions. i don't particularly like to resolve myself to doing things in the coming year. so i started calling them revolutions and making them more of a shift in my life. i still don't really like them, but continue to come up with them because what better time to set goals than at the beginning of a new year? or is it rather arbitrary? what makes january 1 any different than december 31? anyway...

-study regularly for the GMAT with the goal of a 600
-narrow down b-schools to apply to
-get a new job (eh, this one depends on a lot of factors)
-add at least 3 states to my "i've been to" list
-visit...San Diego (Feb 13-15!) Seattle (???) and Michigan/Chicago (4th of July?)
-spend a mandatory three hours a week writing (for peacemaker or other)
-read everyday
-write on this blog everyday...even just a little bit
-use my new More-with-Less cookbook at least 4 meals a week
-be a better manager of my money (save, tithe, pay off debt, spend less frivolously)
-get back into "spring of 2007" shape

and that sounds like enough for now. goodness. if i did those things it certainly would revolutionize my life. in all of that my overarching goal is to focus on what i have going on in my life right now and what is already set up for the future. i don't need to added distraction of seeking out things that i "should" have going on like a boyfriend, a garden, art projects, etc...

that should be it for now. good night.