birthday reflections

one year ago today my cousin anthony collapsed and died while out on a run in his neighborhood. he had a heart condition that his doctor's had been monitoring, but no one knew it was so severe. his death was completely unexpected and tragic. he had been living with his older sister and her daughter in Macon, GA.

i got the call from my dad on my way home from work last year. i was in nashville, getting geared up to move to new orleans. it is strange how this kind of news hits you. my cousin and i weren't particularly close, i hadn't seen him in years. but all the same, he was someone who had been around my whole life. his existence as my cousin anthony had never been called into question.

the day after his death, my friends in nashville took me out for my birthday to my favorite fish'n'chips joint in east nashville. i hadn't wanted to go, but my roommate anna insisted. i ended up having a decent time thanks to greasy fried fish and generous helpings of sam adams.

the next morning i woke up and got in my car to drive to georgia. the wake was that night and the funeral service the next day. the rest of my family was flying out from the CO and i would meet them there. it was strange, thinking of them all together and me making my lonely trek across eastern tennessee and through the perils of atlanta drivers. i made it for the end part of the wake and viewing. my grandmother was beside herself, as to be expected, and kept telling me she was sorry for leaving my birthday card in the car. as if my birthday was more significant than this other thing that was happening to the family.

still, a year later, i can feel the sorrow and weight that was in that room with anthony's body. he was too young. he was 25.

i think i will always now connect my birthday with his death, them just being a day apart. it is a morbid and bittersweet reminder of how short life can be. last year he died at 25 and i was turning 24. and now a year later i am 25 and he is gone. how can i live my life so that if my days are cut as short as his were, no one will think of it as a loss? can i make my days so full that there is never a question that i am truly living?

last night over margarita's my friend jersey said to me, "i really feel like i am living everyday. some days are boring, sure, but this is where i am supposed to be and i'm *living* everyday."

am i truly living every single day? are you? from what i learned last year, anthony was.