i know thanksgiving will be here soon enough and we will all take 5 minutes to think about what we are thankful for...but i wanted to jump in a little early!
we all know that i've very thankful for several opportunities looming on my horizon (grad school, moving back to colorado, etc...) but i'm trying to be a little more "now" centric. what am i thankful for that i have right this minute?
-my cozy little apartment (even though it is falling apart around me!)
-good friends who love me
-my klean kanteen
-a boss who cares about my well-being
-leftover enchiladas in my fridge
-my family! (they just rock all around!)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
new goal
i know i've been so mia from this blog for a long time. i was talking to my mom about it and i think if i had internet at home and more time to devote to it i would be better about updating. or maybe if i felt okay just writing a short post every day instead of the novels i usually create.
speaking of novels...i was talking to a friend on saturday about how when i was younger i was fine going anywhere with my mom as long as i had a book. i used to get so lost in books. and it's been a long time since that's happened for me.
i think since i graduated from college i've wanted to keep up my "intellectual street cred" up so i make myself read books that have more heft to them and take a lot of thought. i don't think there is anything wrong with this practice, it's good to keep myself challenged. but i'm thinking i need to throw a few light reads into the mix to remind myself that reading isn't all about work. it can be fun and relaxing and a great way to escape stress.
so this is a goal of mine...to find a book that's just fun...after i finish David Carr's memoir, of course.
speaking of novels...i was talking to a friend on saturday about how when i was younger i was fine going anywhere with my mom as long as i had a book. i used to get so lost in books. and it's been a long time since that's happened for me.
i think since i graduated from college i've wanted to keep up my "intellectual street cred" up so i make myself read books that have more heft to them and take a lot of thought. i don't think there is anything wrong with this practice, it's good to keep myself challenged. but i'm thinking i need to throw a few light reads into the mix to remind myself that reading isn't all about work. it can be fun and relaxing and a great way to escape stress.
so this is a goal of mine...to find a book that's just fun...after i finish David Carr's memoir, of course.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
and the whirlwind begins...
or i guess i should say continues...
i got into grad school at DU. i found out this information as i was bringing my sister's dry cleaning inside before getting ready to go to the rehearsal for her wedding. needless to say...it was an overwhelming moment for me. i was so wrapped up in my excitement for my sister and all of a sudden i switched gears. after the phone call and some hugs and tears with the fam, i switched back into wedding gear. i didn't want anything (even my own happy news) to distract me from my sister's happy happy day!
but now she is married and on her honeymoon and i'm back in new orleans facing the reality of my future. 6-7 more months in nola. trying to figure out what that will look like, how i'm going to pay for grad school, how moving back in with parents is going to work, what i'm going to do in the CO next summer, what kind of legacy i want to leave at my current job, how i'm going to remove myself from resposibilities at church but still remain involved, etc...
6 months seems equal parts forever and the blink of an eye right now. luckily i have the mental capacity to realize that it is too soon to start packing, but not too soon to start shedding possessions (i like to move with the minimum amount of stuff).
if there is one thing that makes me truly excited about the next 6 months it is how many lists and plans i get to make!! i know, mentally ill, but i love love love that stuff!
i got into grad school at DU. i found out this information as i was bringing my sister's dry cleaning inside before getting ready to go to the rehearsal for her wedding. needless to say...it was an overwhelming moment for me. i was so wrapped up in my excitement for my sister and all of a sudden i switched gears. after the phone call and some hugs and tears with the fam, i switched back into wedding gear. i didn't want anything (even my own happy news) to distract me from my sister's happy happy day!
but now she is married and on her honeymoon and i'm back in new orleans facing the reality of my future. 6-7 more months in nola. trying to figure out what that will look like, how i'm going to pay for grad school, how moving back in with parents is going to work, what i'm going to do in the CO next summer, what kind of legacy i want to leave at my current job, how i'm going to remove myself from resposibilities at church but still remain involved, etc...
6 months seems equal parts forever and the blink of an eye right now. luckily i have the mental capacity to realize that it is too soon to start packing, but not too soon to start shedding possessions (i like to move with the minimum amount of stuff).
if there is one thing that makes me truly excited about the next 6 months it is how many lists and plans i get to make!! i know, mentally ill, but i love love love that stuff!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
the greatest feeling in the world...
i think one of the greatest feelings in the world is being able to say "i did all i could and i did it to the best of my ability." luckily, that's how i feel about finishing up my grad school admissions process. i had an interview this morning, which was the final piece. they should have a decision to me in about two weeks. i feel that i have a strong application, but i also know that if they don't accept me i won't look back and say woulda coulda shoulda about anything. i studied my butt off for the GMAT (and it paid off!), i submitted good essays, i got two great recommendations, and i kicked butt in my interview. so if they don't accept me, it isn't because i didn't represent myself in the best light. and that feels good.
i wish the rockies could feel the same way i do right now. but i don't really think they do...
i wish the rockies could feel the same way i do right now. but i don't really think they do...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
signs of latent stress
1) road rage. at first i thought there was just an increase in traffic at unreasonable times, and then i realized it was just an increase in my annoyance at every other person on the road.
2) saying (or typing) every thought i have. not that i'm a particularly filtered person to begin with...but there are things that shouldn't be released into the wild.
3) having extra-sharp snarky thoughts. which then is compounded by the above impulse.
4) accepting every offer. this is incredibly counter-intuitive, i know. but when i'm stressed or pressed for time, i have a harder time setting and keeping my boundaries. signing up to cook pizza and cupcakes for 6 people the night before leaving on a 10 day trip for which you haven't packed yet? sure! sounds like a great idea!
5) not sleeping. umm...no surprise here, i guess.
6) bizarre dreams. like...being part of a deep-sea exploration team and running into old high school friends on the sea floor.
7) having a heightened emotional relationship to music. ie: yelling at the radio when it plays stupid music. getting teary-eyed when kbco.com plays g-love and special sauce.
8) craving oreos and peanut butter. this was my go to snack stress snack freshmen year of college. the desire for it completely took over in the grocery store the other day.
9) getting irrationally angry at my boss. for having a loud desk chair.
10) then getting frustrated at myself that i can't seem to control any of the above.
if this is how i am two weeks before my sister's wedding...God help the people who are around me if i ever get married!!
2) saying (or typing) every thought i have. not that i'm a particularly filtered person to begin with...but there are things that shouldn't be released into the wild.
3) having extra-sharp snarky thoughts. which then is compounded by the above impulse.
4) accepting every offer. this is incredibly counter-intuitive, i know. but when i'm stressed or pressed for time, i have a harder time setting and keeping my boundaries. signing up to cook pizza and cupcakes for 6 people the night before leaving on a 10 day trip for which you haven't packed yet? sure! sounds like a great idea!
5) not sleeping. umm...no surprise here, i guess.
6) bizarre dreams. like...being part of a deep-sea exploration team and running into old high school friends on the sea floor.
7) having a heightened emotional relationship to music. ie: yelling at the radio when it plays stupid music. getting teary-eyed when kbco.com plays g-love and special sauce.
8) craving oreos and peanut butter. this was my go to snack stress snack freshmen year of college. the desire for it completely took over in the grocery store the other day.
9) getting irrationally angry at my boss. for having a loud desk chair.
10) then getting frustrated at myself that i can't seem to control any of the above.
if this is how i am two weeks before my sister's wedding...God help the people who are around me if i ever get married!!
Monday, October 5, 2009
the easy part is meeting them. the hard part is everything else...
being a single twenty-something female is an interesting experience. although, i will concede that my experience does not stand as a universal truth by any stretch of the imagination. i live in new orleans (party city!), i have ZERO single male friends, i have several friends who are married, pregnant, or already have kids. also, i am pretty fearless with the opposite sex.
i throw that last fact in because i have a lot of single female friends who aren't. they have a very different experience from me in that they don't "meet" people. i've gotten to the point, however, where i realize that a man isn't going to just show up at my door and announce that he is my new boyfriend, best friend, future husband, whatever. granted, if someone did that, i'm pretty sure i would slam the door shut faster than you can say "God's gift to women..."
now, not every guy i meet when i'm out is worth even the time it takes me to smile and say hello. i can usually judge that pretty quickly (practice makes perfect, i guess). take for example friday night of this past week. in an effort to "put myself out there" in a variety of different situations, i went to a social event hosted by my friend's nonprofit. i dragged my friend along with me a) for support, 2) because we always lament the lack of "new people" in our lives, and d) you always need a wingman. there were plenty of new people there, male and female. we had mojitos, chips and dip, and pasta salad along with our social interaction.
after chatting up several different people (even exchanging business cards! but for work purposes only) two young gentlemen approached our corner of the room. they strategically placed themselves so that a conversation would be inevitable (not very subtley, i might add). anyway, i began chatting first with B, who initiated conversation while his wingman casually engaged my previous conversation partner. B was actually very charming, funny, attractive, etc... he was able to do three things in the conversation that i appreciated. he could stay on topic (and not just talk about himself), he could make me laugh with comments that fit into the conversation, and he would occasionally refer back to an earlier part of the conversation which accomplishes two things, proves he was listening and makes it feel like we have an established friendship already.
eventually my friend joined the conversation along with B's friend, G. we were all having a grand time talking and laughing. nothing seemed amiss and there was definitely a spark of interest between myself and B. but as the conversation kept going, it became obvious to me at some point that the next step needed to be taken. so i began with "what are you guys doing later tonight?" (it was only about 8:30 at this point).
what followed was a disaster. B said something dumb along the lines of "oh, probably something alone, by myself. it's a lonely city" to which i replied, unamused "really? new orleans is a lonely city?" then B and G proceeded to shoot sideways glances at each other, laugh, and refer to some sort of "inside joke." ugh. over it. and we left.
our next encounter was with two guys at one of our regular bars. i was feeling a little saucy at that point, so after catching A's eye a few times i finally winked at him. and of course he came over with his friend...?...to chat. while i thought A was hilarious and fun...my friend was not equally amused with ? so after dragging her with me to go to another bar with them and play a game of pool, i had to inform A that i needed to get my friend home. she was over it. so i gave A my number, bid him farewell, and hoped for the best. haven't heard from him since.
the easy part is meeting them. the hard part is everything else.
if nothing else, i'm becoming more open to meeting new people and, at the same time, more discerning about who actually deserves my time and energy when i'm out with friends. at least, that's what i'm hoping to get from this whole experience.
in other news...
i'm a sucker for obscure pop-culture references. i'll forgive a lot of sins if you can pull out lines like "in the game LIFE, did you always go to college?" (of course my answer was "yes, always" and his was "never, waste of six spaces")
i throw that last fact in because i have a lot of single female friends who aren't. they have a very different experience from me in that they don't "meet" people. i've gotten to the point, however, where i realize that a man isn't going to just show up at my door and announce that he is my new boyfriend, best friend, future husband, whatever. granted, if someone did that, i'm pretty sure i would slam the door shut faster than you can say "God's gift to women..."
now, not every guy i meet when i'm out is worth even the time it takes me to smile and say hello. i can usually judge that pretty quickly (practice makes perfect, i guess). take for example friday night of this past week. in an effort to "put myself out there" in a variety of different situations, i went to a social event hosted by my friend's nonprofit. i dragged my friend along with me a) for support, 2) because we always lament the lack of "new people" in our lives, and d) you always need a wingman. there were plenty of new people there, male and female. we had mojitos, chips and dip, and pasta salad along with our social interaction.
after chatting up several different people (even exchanging business cards! but for work purposes only) two young gentlemen approached our corner of the room. they strategically placed themselves so that a conversation would be inevitable (not very subtley, i might add). anyway, i began chatting first with B, who initiated conversation while his wingman casually engaged my previous conversation partner. B was actually very charming, funny, attractive, etc... he was able to do three things in the conversation that i appreciated. he could stay on topic (and not just talk about himself), he could make me laugh with comments that fit into the conversation, and he would occasionally refer back to an earlier part of the conversation which accomplishes two things, proves he was listening and makes it feel like we have an established friendship already.
eventually my friend joined the conversation along with B's friend, G. we were all having a grand time talking and laughing. nothing seemed amiss and there was definitely a spark of interest between myself and B. but as the conversation kept going, it became obvious to me at some point that the next step needed to be taken. so i began with "what are you guys doing later tonight?" (it was only about 8:30 at this point).
what followed was a disaster. B said something dumb along the lines of "oh, probably something alone, by myself. it's a lonely city" to which i replied, unamused "really? new orleans is a lonely city?" then B and G proceeded to shoot sideways glances at each other, laugh, and refer to some sort of "inside joke." ugh. over it. and we left.
our next encounter was with two guys at one of our regular bars. i was feeling a little saucy at that point, so after catching A's eye a few times i finally winked at him. and of course he came over with his friend...?...to chat. while i thought A was hilarious and fun...my friend was not equally amused with ? so after dragging her with me to go to another bar with them and play a game of pool, i had to inform A that i needed to get my friend home. she was over it. so i gave A my number, bid him farewell, and hoped for the best. haven't heard from him since.
the easy part is meeting them. the hard part is everything else.
if nothing else, i'm becoming more open to meeting new people and, at the same time, more discerning about who actually deserves my time and energy when i'm out with friends. at least, that's what i'm hoping to get from this whole experience.
in other news...
i'm a sucker for obscure pop-culture references. i'll forgive a lot of sins if you can pull out lines like "in the game LIFE, did you always go to college?" (of course my answer was "yes, always" and his was "never, waste of six spaces")
Friday, September 25, 2009
what i was trying to say yesterday...
i was not super pleased about my post yesterday. i don't think i was in a good mindset to write, but had a lot to say. today i wrote an email to a good friend of mine from high school and i think it conveys my sentiments in a more eloquent fashion...
if there is one good thing about living away from colorado, it's the ability to recognize the kind of climate/geography we need to stay sane. i do not think i can tolerate another louisiana summer!!! i'm wrapping up my fourth, since i spent two summers here before i moved. ugh...so gross and sweaty and frizzy and my allergies act up like they've never done before! so looking forward to colorado weather!
i'm sorry that oregon hasn't been a dream come true. not that anyone ever expected oregon to be a dream come true...except maybe those on the oregon trail. but man, that trail was a bitch! anyway, i am proud of you for sticking to your guns and pursuing your interests! and for finding the little things to help you keep going in the midst of all the muck. i've definitely had that experience here.
every once in awhile i'm so overcome by the poverty and depression and struggle to rebuild a city...and i just need what i call "good new orleans moments" (insanely clever, i know!) i needed a lot of them this week. i went for a walk in the gorgeous park by my house and enjoyed the live oaks, spanish moss, and magnolia trees. i went to my favorite bar for pint night and added to my collection of glasses from there. i drove across the river just to be able to say "i have to cross the river tonight." it's those little things that keep us going, eh?
but it still doesn't always compare to taking a walk down pearl street. getting a soy chai at Trident. going for a hike in chataqua. driving up to rocky mountain national park to watch the aspens change right before your eyes. spending a day skiing and the evening drinking beer around an actual fire... maybe i should stop now before i ruin both of our lives.
anyway, i know you are a smart, strong, capable woman and you will have no problem with your field work and breezing through graduation! hope to see you at some point in the near future! love love.
if there is one good thing about living away from colorado, it's the ability to recognize the kind of climate/geography we need to stay sane. i do not think i can tolerate another louisiana summer!!! i'm wrapping up my fourth, since i spent two summers here before i moved. ugh...so gross and sweaty and frizzy and my allergies act up like they've never done before! so looking forward to colorado weather!
i'm sorry that oregon hasn't been a dream come true. not that anyone ever expected oregon to be a dream come true...except maybe those on the oregon trail. but man, that trail was a bitch! anyway, i am proud of you for sticking to your guns and pursuing your interests! and for finding the little things to help you keep going in the midst of all the muck. i've definitely had that experience here.
every once in awhile i'm so overcome by the poverty and depression and struggle to rebuild a city...and i just need what i call "good new orleans moments" (insanely clever, i know!) i needed a lot of them this week. i went for a walk in the gorgeous park by my house and enjoyed the live oaks, spanish moss, and magnolia trees. i went to my favorite bar for pint night and added to my collection of glasses from there. i drove across the river just to be able to say "i have to cross the river tonight." it's those little things that keep us going, eh?
but it still doesn't always compare to taking a walk down pearl street. getting a soy chai at Trident. going for a hike in chataqua. driving up to rocky mountain national park to watch the aspens change right before your eyes. spending a day skiing and the evening drinking beer around an actual fire... maybe i should stop now before i ruin both of our lives.
anyway, i know you are a smart, strong, capable woman and you will have no problem with your field work and breezing through graduation! hope to see you at some point in the near future! love love.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
good new orleans moments
every once in awhile i get so consumed with all the crap going on in my life that i forget to enjoy where i am. and i don't really mean "to be content in my circumstances." i mean to really embrace the fact that i live in New Orleans, a place with a lot of history, culture, and fun places to experience. i won't live here forever (hopefully) and i need to soak it up while i can.
usually when i have these kinds of revelations, i go for a walk in audubon park, which i've written about many times before. however, it has rained every afternoon this week and the sun is starting to set earlier making walks in the park after work a difficult thing to manage. so last night i went to pint night at the bulldog.
now, the bulldog isn't special when compared to other places in the city, but it holds a special place in my relationship with new orleans. it was one of the only "locals" bars open in the summer of 2006 when i first came down as a volunteer. so anytime we wanted a beer, the whole crew would meet up at the bulldog and crowd around one of the outside picnic tables. there was a huge community feel to the crowd there. everyone was friends with each other by default of us being back in the city that summer.
so last night i needed to feel good about new orleans. and i added two more pint glasses to my collection.
usually when i have these kinds of revelations, i go for a walk in audubon park, which i've written about many times before. however, it has rained every afternoon this week and the sun is starting to set earlier making walks in the park after work a difficult thing to manage. so last night i went to pint night at the bulldog.
now, the bulldog isn't special when compared to other places in the city, but it holds a special place in my relationship with new orleans. it was one of the only "locals" bars open in the summer of 2006 when i first came down as a volunteer. so anytime we wanted a beer, the whole crew would meet up at the bulldog and crowd around one of the outside picnic tables. there was a huge community feel to the crowd there. everyone was friends with each other by default of us being back in the city that summer.
so last night i needed to feel good about new orleans. and i added two more pint glasses to my collection.
Monday, September 21, 2009
writing for the sake of writing
two nights ago i sat on a friend's couch discussing a short story she had written. it was amazing to to me to see how interacted with her characters. they were people outside of her own imagination. it made me jealous for those with the creative energy to create fiction pieces.
i've always been a first person prose kind of writer, not very good at making up believable story lines. i can craft a fairly good piece of analysis (if i do say so myself).
however, i remember in high school my friend and i would write each other stories. they were fairy tales, really, composed of characters from our every day lives. she and i were the main characters (of course) and the boys we fancied would weave their way in and out of the stories. if they ever did something to hurt us in real life, we would kill them off in our fairy tale world. girls we didn't like were always cast as the evil witch and our other friends made cameos at balls and weddings.
i don't think those stories would have ever passed for actual writing in the one fiction class i took in college. i really upped my game for that one. and i still got a C. ugh.
i've always been a first person prose kind of writer, not very good at making up believable story lines. i can craft a fairly good piece of analysis (if i do say so myself).
however, i remember in high school my friend and i would write each other stories. they were fairy tales, really, composed of characters from our every day lives. she and i were the main characters (of course) and the boys we fancied would weave their way in and out of the stories. if they ever did something to hurt us in real life, we would kill them off in our fairy tale world. girls we didn't like were always cast as the evil witch and our other friends made cameos at balls and weddings.
i don't think those stories would have ever passed for actual writing in the one fiction class i took in college. i really upped my game for that one. and i still got a C. ugh.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
coffee shop life
i feel like whenever i spend extended time in a coffee shop, i inevitably encounter the following types of people:
-The Overly Cheerful Barista. today i met seth, my barista. i really really think he loves his job. maybe a little too much.
-The Loud Talking Self-Important Couple. they may or may not be an actual couple, but it is invariably a man and a woman, having an extended coffee date, speaking with elevated volume about their important lives and the important people they know. it might be about the dinner party they attended last night or their recent trip through India by railway. they have no need to speak in hushed voices because they are obviously the most important people in the room.
-The Worker. sometimes this is me. this person takes over at least three tables with their laptop, paperwork, planner, five cell phones, PDAs, pens, highlighters, and multiple cups of coffee. usually not a student.
-The Real Student. the guy sitting across the aisle from me is a real student. i see him here often. always has stacks of books on his table and a notebook. doesn't bring a computer with which to pretend to "study" while actually reading blogs and chatting with friends.
-The Fake Student. the opposite of the guy i referenced above. also the two people sitting next to me. books in hand, but have yet to open, read, or discuss literature in the 45 minutes they've been present.
-Bored High School Girls. never boys, always girls. they get dropped off by their parents and end up watching loud youtube videos instead of doing any actual schoolwork.
-The Odd Ball Regular. today it is a guy who has been online shopping for the past hour. a few days ago it was the woman who was doing cross-stitch while singing along to her ipod.
i do love the coffee shop life. where else can this eclectic group of people find a place to do what they need to do? while simultaneously distracting themselves from what they need to do?
-The Overly Cheerful Barista. today i met seth, my barista. i really really think he loves his job. maybe a little too much.
-The Loud Talking Self-Important Couple. they may or may not be an actual couple, but it is invariably a man and a woman, having an extended coffee date, speaking with elevated volume about their important lives and the important people they know. it might be about the dinner party they attended last night or their recent trip through India by railway. they have no need to speak in hushed voices because they are obviously the most important people in the room.
-The Worker. sometimes this is me. this person takes over at least three tables with their laptop, paperwork, planner, five cell phones, PDAs, pens, highlighters, and multiple cups of coffee. usually not a student.
-The Real Student. the guy sitting across the aisle from me is a real student. i see him here often. always has stacks of books on his table and a notebook. doesn't bring a computer with which to pretend to "study" while actually reading blogs and chatting with friends.
-The Fake Student. the opposite of the guy i referenced above. also the two people sitting next to me. books in hand, but have yet to open, read, or discuss literature in the 45 minutes they've been present.
-Bored High School Girls. never boys, always girls. they get dropped off by their parents and end up watching loud youtube videos instead of doing any actual schoolwork.
-The Odd Ball Regular. today it is a guy who has been online shopping for the past hour. a few days ago it was the woman who was doing cross-stitch while singing along to her ipod.
i do love the coffee shop life. where else can this eclectic group of people find a place to do what they need to do? while simultaneously distracting themselves from what they need to do?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
a means in itself
so i've been a little neglectful of my blog over the past two weeks. but my reasons are mostly because i've been caught up in real world happenings! which is good! mostly. *sigh* i'll try not to make this post too melancholy, because it isn't how i feel in the grander scheme.
to start with, i wrote a piece about this yesterday and was planning to post it today. but unfortunately my mac does not want to cooperate with me until i resolve it's "kernel panic." blech. so here goes my attempt at re-creation...
i've often written about the funk that 20-somethings go through. what has been termed "quarter-life crisis." who am i? what am i doing with my life? where am i going? how do i get there? etc??? realizing that all of these questions seem to point to the fact that we should be bigger, grander, and more important that we feel. afterall, aren't we the generation of "you can be whatever you want to be?"
but what if it isn't about the grandious, world-changing, rock-your-face off things? i recently had a friend recount to me that she suddenly remembered how much she loves to dance. and why she loves it. she said "I was talking about it to someone....it's one of the only things in my life that is a means in itself...not a means to an end..I think it's so important to have those things..." now, this shouldn't be such a revelation, but i think it is.
why do i keep making my life about what it should be? i enter into almost everything in my life with an attitude of "this is okay, but where can it get me?" and quite frankly, that's exhausting! i don't have enough in my life that is a means in itself...not a means to an end.
one thing that pops into my mind is my relationship with church right now. as you may or may not know, i am in a position of leadership at my church. and with this position comes a lot of weight and responsibility about the future of our (struggling) congregation. i don't really remember the last time that i walked into my church on a sunday morning with the attitude that i was there to worship God as a means in itself. it always seems like a stepping stone to something else. something in the future.
this is a destructive mindset, in my opinion. read: i am not advocating a lifestyle without future planning! but Jesus even tells us himself that we should not worry about the future. should my goal be to wake up every morning with the goal of that day to be simply an opportunity to worship? i think yes.
to start with, i wrote a piece about this yesterday and was planning to post it today. but unfortunately my mac does not want to cooperate with me until i resolve it's "kernel panic." blech. so here goes my attempt at re-creation...
i've often written about the funk that 20-somethings go through. what has been termed "quarter-life crisis." who am i? what am i doing with my life? where am i going? how do i get there? etc??? realizing that all of these questions seem to point to the fact that we should be bigger, grander, and more important that we feel. afterall, aren't we the generation of "you can be whatever you want to be?"
but what if it isn't about the grandious, world-changing, rock-your-face off things? i recently had a friend recount to me that she suddenly remembered how much she loves to dance. and why she loves it. she said "I was talking about it to someone....it's one of the only things in my life that is a means in itself...not a means to an end..I think it's so important to have those things..." now, this shouldn't be such a revelation, but i think it is.
why do i keep making my life about what it should be? i enter into almost everything in my life with an attitude of "this is okay, but where can it get me?" and quite frankly, that's exhausting! i don't have enough in my life that is a means in itself...not a means to an end.
one thing that pops into my mind is my relationship with church right now. as you may or may not know, i am in a position of leadership at my church. and with this position comes a lot of weight and responsibility about the future of our (struggling) congregation. i don't really remember the last time that i walked into my church on a sunday morning with the attitude that i was there to worship God as a means in itself. it always seems like a stepping stone to something else. something in the future.
this is a destructive mindset, in my opinion. read: i am not advocating a lifestyle without future planning! but Jesus even tells us himself that we should not worry about the future. should my goal be to wake up every morning with the goal of that day to be simply an opportunity to worship? i think yes.
Friday, September 4, 2009
hoping for the best...
recently i've been confronted by some bad attitudes (including my own!) it seems that there are a lot of people who claim to "hope for the best" but really don't hope for anything. they are expecting the worst and feel justified when they can pick something apart into it's awful components.
i'm doing my best to keep this kind of thinking out of my own mind. if i walk into my big session meeting tomorrow thinking "this is going to suck, no one has prepared, all the decisions are going to be agonizing, etc..." then chances are those are the aspects of the meeting i'm going to see. keeping a positive attitude at least gives me a fighting chance of seeing the good things that will happen during the meeting.
so, as an encouragement to myself and to you, let's hope for the best. let's expect the best. because then we at least have a fighting chance. and you know what? we can get over the disappointment if it doesn't all work out how we want.
i'm doing my best to keep this kind of thinking out of my own mind. if i walk into my big session meeting tomorrow thinking "this is going to suck, no one has prepared, all the decisions are going to be agonizing, etc..." then chances are those are the aspects of the meeting i'm going to see. keeping a positive attitude at least gives me a fighting chance of seeing the good things that will happen during the meeting.
so, as an encouragement to myself and to you, let's hope for the best. let's expect the best. because then we at least have a fighting chance. and you know what? we can get over the disappointment if it doesn't all work out how we want.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
happiness is...
i'm copying this idea from another blog because i feel like i need the reminder:
-a cup of tea and a good book
-getting up early in the morning to sit down to breakfast
-and spend time with God
-changing weather
-a long walk with a good friend
-new adventures on the horizon
-dance party
-support from the people you love the most
-long talks on the phone with the family
i've hit several of those this week and hopefully will round out the list in the next few days!
-a cup of tea and a good book
-getting up early in the morning to sit down to breakfast
-and spend time with God
-changing weather
-a long walk with a good friend
-new adventures on the horizon
-dance party
-support from the people you love the most
-long talks on the phone with the family
i've hit several of those this week and hopefully will round out the list in the next few days!
last night
i've been having trouble sleeping recently, but it's largely been my fault. i stay up too late one night, take a nap the next day, can't sleep that night, etc... but last night i didn't take a nap, i went for a walk. and still couldn't sleep.
i was too wound up about things. ridiculous things. like, what i was going to cook for breakfast (fried egg and shaved parmesan on a whole wheat english muffin) and how excited i was that i had already made my lunch AND dinner for the next day. yes, i couldn't sleep because i was that excited about food. haha.
although, i know it wasn't all about food. a lot of it is general anxiety about my life right now. i'm still trying to give that anxiety to God every day, but i keep grabbing it back. in my last post i talked about how i hate the waiting game. that includes everything that's going on in my life right now regarding my job, grad school, and possibly moving back to the CO. i'm the kind of person who would rather pick up and move just to get it over with, rather than waiting for a job, acceptance to grad school, and my lease to end! but i'm not doing that this time around. i'm waiting on God.
so to all my friends who say i'm too restless and impulsive and nomadic...take that! i'm actually going to wait this one out. for now, at least.
i was too wound up about things. ridiculous things. like, what i was going to cook for breakfast (fried egg and shaved parmesan on a whole wheat english muffin) and how excited i was that i had already made my lunch AND dinner for the next day. yes, i couldn't sleep because i was that excited about food. haha.
although, i know it wasn't all about food. a lot of it is general anxiety about my life right now. i'm still trying to give that anxiety to God every day, but i keep grabbing it back. in my last post i talked about how i hate the waiting game. that includes everything that's going on in my life right now regarding my job, grad school, and possibly moving back to the CO. i'm the kind of person who would rather pick up and move just to get it over with, rather than waiting for a job, acceptance to grad school, and my lease to end! but i'm not doing that this time around. i'm waiting on God.
so to all my friends who say i'm too restless and impulsive and nomadic...take that! i'm actually going to wait this one out. for now, at least.
Monday, August 31, 2009
the waiting game
i've never been good at playing hard to get. i've always been more of a come and get it kind of girl. despite the very dirty connotation my cousin insinuated on my facebook wall, this is me to a T. i HATE waiting for someone else to make a move...whether it's in relationships, at work, at church, with pretty much anything. i do not like waiting for the unknown. i would rather put it all on the table and move on from there.
i remember the last relationship i was in. it was an old friend of mine and we reconnected through some random circumstances. anyway, he was a long way from colorado so the beginning stages took place via phone calls and text messages. my heart would leap inside my chest when i heard my phone ding! because no one else ever texted me. finally, after what seemed like ages, he brought up the direction of our relationship. i think i even said "i've been waiting for you to bring this up!" and really it had been about 3 weeks, which was an eternity for me!
when left to my own devices i just get right in there. i don't like to wait to be pursued, which is what many of my friends have told me i should do as the girl. ugh. i mean, great for them if they find a guy who pursues them. i just don't have to patience to wait and wait. i get antsy. and i call people. and i say things like "so, i dig you. is this going anywhere?"
so while my friends are waiting for the man who will pursue them, i'm waiting for the man who won't be scared by how forward i am.
i remember the last relationship i was in. it was an old friend of mine and we reconnected through some random circumstances. anyway, he was a long way from colorado so the beginning stages took place via phone calls and text messages. my heart would leap inside my chest when i heard my phone ding! because no one else ever texted me. finally, after what seemed like ages, he brought up the direction of our relationship. i think i even said "i've been waiting for you to bring this up!" and really it had been about 3 weeks, which was an eternity for me!
when left to my own devices i just get right in there. i don't like to wait to be pursued, which is what many of my friends have told me i should do as the girl. ugh. i mean, great for them if they find a guy who pursues them. i just don't have to patience to wait and wait. i get antsy. and i call people. and i say things like "so, i dig you. is this going anywhere?"
so while my friends are waiting for the man who will pursue them, i'm waiting for the man who won't be scared by how forward i am.
Friday, August 28, 2009
anderson cooper
last night my friend and i went to a live taping of Anderson Cooper 360 at Musician's Village in the upper 9th ward. Musician's Village is basically a neighborhood of houses built by Habitat for Humanity. so anyway, anderson loves new orleans and broadcast from here in honor of the 4th anniversary of katrina.
i do not usually get star struck but OMG! not only is he gorgeous (even more so in person!) but he is super nice, smart, and professional. it was so much fun to watch him do his show. AND we got a picture with him afterwards. such bliss.
the first summer i was here he was still coming down to new orleans to do broadcasts a couple times a month. i remember thinking to myself that surely, at some point, i would get a chance to encounter him. and now i have. checked it off my list this morning!
i do not usually get star struck but OMG! not only is he gorgeous (even more so in person!) but he is super nice, smart, and professional. it was so much fun to watch him do his show. AND we got a picture with him afterwards. such bliss.
the first summer i was here he was still coming down to new orleans to do broadcasts a couple times a month. i remember thinking to myself that surely, at some point, i would get a chance to encounter him. and now i have. checked it off my list this morning!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
one step at a time
trying to live one step at a time is so difficult in our plan-obsessed culture. especially when you are a planned-obsessed person. God keeps showing me the next step, but nothing beyond that.
as i told my church committee members last night, i am not the person to whom God is going to reveal some larger plan or a detailed timeline. that's just not where He has me right now. it's all about the day-to-day steps. one foot in front of the other.
this is becoming increasingly difficult as i am becoming more accustomed to the idea of moving back to the CO. like i said in an earlier post, i have entered the good-bye phase, but i'm trying to remain present. this means keeping up with my current tasks and not day-dreaming about the dog i'm going to adopt when i move home.
i am not entirely sure if i'll even be able to completely let go of my plans for the future. i think it is part of my nature, something that God created in me to use for His purpose. but occasionally i need to scale it back.
the funny thing is that i have plenty on my plate right now in terms of immediate tasks, but i still like to busy myself with the future. *sigh* as much as i hate the predictable, i am always anxious to get to a place of stability. are those mutually exclusive? perhaps that is an analysis for another day...
as i told my church committee members last night, i am not the person to whom God is going to reveal some larger plan or a detailed timeline. that's just not where He has me right now. it's all about the day-to-day steps. one foot in front of the other.
this is becoming increasingly difficult as i am becoming more accustomed to the idea of moving back to the CO. like i said in an earlier post, i have entered the good-bye phase, but i'm trying to remain present. this means keeping up with my current tasks and not day-dreaming about the dog i'm going to adopt when i move home.
i am not entirely sure if i'll even be able to completely let go of my plans for the future. i think it is part of my nature, something that God created in me to use for His purpose. but occasionally i need to scale it back.
the funny thing is that i have plenty on my plate right now in terms of immediate tasks, but i still like to busy myself with the future. *sigh* as much as i hate the predictable, i am always anxious to get to a place of stability. are those mutually exclusive? perhaps that is an analysis for another day...
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
third time starting this post. humility is not an easy thing to write about. i feel like over and over again God tells me that my pride is getting in the way. sometimes i listen, but more often i don't. i'm trying to hard to listen right now. i think that my pride has compromised a few tasks that the Lord has given me over the past year. i'm trying to figure out which ones to stick to with a changed attitude and which ones to let go.
not easy.
not easy.
Monday, August 24, 2009
some days i just need a few things that keep me grounded...that allow me to stay sane and not go off the deep end. so far, these are the things that have kept me from getting in my car and heading west today.
-a soy chai from starbucks.
-a work meeting with Jocelyn over good coffee...that turned into a life meeting...over 2 hours.
-listening to kbco.com at work alone in my office. jackson browne is singing the mystic right now.
-talking to my mom on the phone.
-remembering to take my frozen red bean leftovers out to thaw so i have a good dinner already cooked for tonight.
-the dirty dishes in my sink (strangely enough).
-a walk in the park this evening, because the weather in incredible.
-a soy chai from starbucks.
-a work meeting with Jocelyn over good coffee...that turned into a life meeting...over 2 hours.
-listening to kbco.com at work alone in my office. jackson browne is singing the mystic right now.
-talking to my mom on the phone.
-remembering to take my frozen red bean leftovers out to thaw so i have a good dinner already cooked for tonight.
-the dirty dishes in my sink (strangely enough).
-a walk in the park this evening, because the weather in incredible.
Friday, August 21, 2009
my relationship with NPR
i listen to NPR on the way to work every morning. i love hearing the radio voices talking about current issues and news items. i love feeling educated and cool enough to listen to NPR. i like to pretend that i am making myself smarter and more informed. however, here is a sample of what actually happens when i listen to NPR:
1) yesterday's release of the lockerbie bomber (i just had to look up what he was called) was a big story yesterday afternoon
2) the scottish prime minister? president? guy talked about his reason for release being "mercy and compassion"
3) i become fascinated by how the word "mercy" sound when said in a scottish accent
4) i turn the radio down and spend 10 minutes trying to perfect my scottish accent
5) i remember nothing else from the 30 minutes it was on during my drive
yes, i am, without a doubt, becoming a more intelligent and better informed member of society.
1) yesterday's release of the lockerbie bomber (i just had to look up what he was called) was a big story yesterday afternoon
2) the scottish prime minister? president? guy talked about his reason for release being "mercy and compassion"
3) i become fascinated by how the word "mercy" sound when said in a scottish accent
4) i turn the radio down and spend 10 minutes trying to perfect my scottish accent
5) i remember nothing else from the 30 minutes it was on during my drive
yes, i am, without a doubt, becoming a more intelligent and better informed member of society.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
haven't i been here before?
an actual snippet from a conversation with a friend last night...
me: i just wish God would tell me what to do and then i can say yes, and that will be how i'm obedient.
him: have you ever spent time thinking about how good you would have been as a pharisaical jew?
me: (laughing)
him: i'll take that as a no. maybe you should take some time to think about it.
me: (still laughing) i hope that was supposed to make me laugh.
him: (begins laughing)
the truth is he's right. i want my faith to be straightforward in the way that i want the rest of my life to be laid out for me. i don't particularly dig the "go with the flow" or "let's see what happens" kind of approach. i like plans. i like timelines. i like direction.
God continues to turn that on me. and i mean that in a good way! right now i feel that my life is about learning obediance...but it isn't the model of obediance that i want. it isn't Him giving me rules or a path to follow. it's about me listening to Him daily and explicitly trusting Him to open or shut doors. it's about me waking up in the morning and asking the same question every day. "what now, God?" "just wait, I'll show you..."
last night i was discouraged because it seems like i've been learning this same lesson my whole life. and i don't know that i'll ever get to a place where i can truly say "i've learned that...let's move on to something else." i think i'll always struggle with this kind of trust.
today, i'm okay with that. the tension between my human nature and what God wants from me reminds me of the gap. it reminds me that i need him. as much as i want to get to a place where i can say "look how much i've grown!" i don't ever want to get to a place where i say "i don't need you anymore God."
so He continues to speak. and i continue to listen.
me: i just wish God would tell me what to do and then i can say yes, and that will be how i'm obedient.
him: have you ever spent time thinking about how good you would have been as a pharisaical jew?
me: (laughing)
him: i'll take that as a no. maybe you should take some time to think about it.
me: (still laughing) i hope that was supposed to make me laugh.
him: (begins laughing)
the truth is he's right. i want my faith to be straightforward in the way that i want the rest of my life to be laid out for me. i don't particularly dig the "go with the flow" or "let's see what happens" kind of approach. i like plans. i like timelines. i like direction.
God continues to turn that on me. and i mean that in a good way! right now i feel that my life is about learning obediance...but it isn't the model of obediance that i want. it isn't Him giving me rules or a path to follow. it's about me listening to Him daily and explicitly trusting Him to open or shut doors. it's about me waking up in the morning and asking the same question every day. "what now, God?" "just wait, I'll show you..."
last night i was discouraged because it seems like i've been learning this same lesson my whole life. and i don't know that i'll ever get to a place where i can truly say "i've learned that...let's move on to something else." i think i'll always struggle with this kind of trust.
today, i'm okay with that. the tension between my human nature and what God wants from me reminds me of the gap. it reminds me that i need him. as much as i want to get to a place where i can say "look how much i've grown!" i don't ever want to get to a place where i say "i don't need you anymore God."
so He continues to speak. and i continue to listen.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
alone in the office
for some reason i love when my boss is out of the office for a full day. don't get me wrong, i love my boss. i've had a lot of great supervisors over the past several years and i would say current boss is one of the best. he's funny and supports my ideas and gives me a lot of flexibility in my work schedule. but i dig it when he's gone.
first of all, i should point out that he and i share an office. so it isn't like he works down the hall. his desk is about three feet from mine. also, it is standard procedure to keep our office door open at all times. usually this is fine, but we share an office suite with a program that provides supportive living services for individuals with disabilities. there are always people stopping by to pick up checks or have meetings or to attend trainings...so it can get pretty loud.
so i love when my boss isn't here and i get to shut the door and play kbco online and zone out the rest of the office. i can focus on certain projects that take a little more uninterrupted concentration. i can return voicemail without feeling self-conscious that other people can hear my phone conversations. i can let the phone go to voicemail if i don't want to answer it right away.
there is just something about working unsupervised that feel freeing. not that my boss cracks the whip very often, but i love feeling unfettered in my pace of the work day. and not having to explain my love of folk music to my reggae and hiphip loving boss. so good.
first of all, i should point out that he and i share an office. so it isn't like he works down the hall. his desk is about three feet from mine. also, it is standard procedure to keep our office door open at all times. usually this is fine, but we share an office suite with a program that provides supportive living services for individuals with disabilities. there are always people stopping by to pick up checks or have meetings or to attend trainings...so it can get pretty loud.
so i love when my boss isn't here and i get to shut the door and play kbco online and zone out the rest of the office. i can focus on certain projects that take a little more uninterrupted concentration. i can return voicemail without feeling self-conscious that other people can hear my phone conversations. i can let the phone go to voicemail if i don't want to answer it right away.
there is just something about working unsupervised that feel freeing. not that my boss cracks the whip very often, but i love feeling unfettered in my pace of the work day. and not having to explain my love of folk music to my reggae and hiphip loving boss. so good.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
theme parties
when i was in high school and college, my friends and i had theme parties all the time. every birthday, anniversary, event, holiday, friday... called for a trip to the party store and the local thrift store.
i remember a few really great themes we pulled off. there was an "america" party for a friend who had just gotten his U.S. citizenship. we, of course, had the obligatory red, white, and blue streamers. everyone had to wear a name tag that said their name along with their favorite place in america. these ranged from "new york city" to "freddie mercury's pants." we all signed a PBR tallboy to present to the new american and presented this, along with a flag cake, to him while playing Neil Diamond's "America." it was a beautiful moment.
there was also an olympics party, a zoolander party, and others. but to me, the best will always be the white trash prom. for my friend Kaela's birthday we celebrated in big style. she was the pregnant prom queen "drinking for two." i was the sexually agressive single mother chaperone. we had a keg of root beer (we were all still under 21). i think a guy showed up wearing just a robe. we decorated our apartment in true prom style, with streamers from the ceiling, balloons, twinkle lights, etc... we even had to cops called on us because we were being so loud. i answered the door in character and we were probably the best call they went to that night.
anyway, all this to say that i love dressing up in themes. it was so common for my friends and me back home, but i've found that not everyone has the same desire to spend hours searching for the perfect 90s style dress or the ideal blonde wig. but i'm always up for a good theme party. any time any place.
i remember a few really great themes we pulled off. there was an "america" party for a friend who had just gotten his U.S. citizenship. we, of course, had the obligatory red, white, and blue streamers. everyone had to wear a name tag that said their name along with their favorite place in america. these ranged from "new york city" to "freddie mercury's pants." we all signed a PBR tallboy to present to the new american and presented this, along with a flag cake, to him while playing Neil Diamond's "America." it was a beautiful moment.
there was also an olympics party, a zoolander party, and others. but to me, the best will always be the white trash prom. for my friend Kaela's birthday we celebrated in big style. she was the pregnant prom queen "drinking for two." i was the sexually agressive single mother chaperone. we had a keg of root beer (we were all still under 21). i think a guy showed up wearing just a robe. we decorated our apartment in true prom style, with streamers from the ceiling, balloons, twinkle lights, etc... we even had to cops called on us because we were being so loud. i answered the door in character and we were probably the best call they went to that night.
anyway, all this to say that i love dressing up in themes. it was so common for my friends and me back home, but i've found that not everyone has the same desire to spend hours searching for the perfect 90s style dress or the ideal blonde wig. but i'm always up for a good theme party. any time any place.
Monday, August 17, 2009
the beginning of goodbye
i'm trying as hard as i can to not start to detach myself from my life here. i'm staying engaged at work (mostly), still putting effort into the activities i'm involved with at church, still making time for friends, still cleaning and decorating my apartment...but i can't help but feel that i've hit the beginning of the end.
i'm not really sure how long this goodbye will last. it might be a few more weeks or it might be another year. but i do feel a distinct sense that my time here in New Orleans is coming to a close. i think acknowledging the end can be good. it gives you an opportunity to really appreciate what you have around you. for me, this includes more walks in Audubon Park, more nights at The Columns, plenty of jazz on Frenchmen St, finally eating at Cochon, perfecting my red beans and rice recipe, buying something wonderful from one of the antique shops on Magazine, and of course, above and beyond all this, spending the most quality time with my loved ones here.
the key to saying goodbye, over any length of time, is living in the moment. don't dread the goodbyes and certainly don't avoid them. never be too anxious to move on. sit in your blessings and savour. a friend once encouraged me to make sure that i lived so that there was plenty to miss everytime i left. and trust me, there will be plenty to miss about this place.
i'm not really sure how long this goodbye will last. it might be a few more weeks or it might be another year. but i do feel a distinct sense that my time here in New Orleans is coming to a close. i think acknowledging the end can be good. it gives you an opportunity to really appreciate what you have around you. for me, this includes more walks in Audubon Park, more nights at The Columns, plenty of jazz on Frenchmen St, finally eating at Cochon, perfecting my red beans and rice recipe, buying something wonderful from one of the antique shops on Magazine, and of course, above and beyond all this, spending the most quality time with my loved ones here.
the key to saying goodbye, over any length of time, is living in the moment. don't dread the goodbyes and certainly don't avoid them. never be too anxious to move on. sit in your blessings and savour. a friend once encouraged me to make sure that i lived so that there was plenty to miss everytime i left. and trust me, there will be plenty to miss about this place.
Friday, August 14, 2009
My Neighbor Totoro
you know those memories that seem to get lost until one day a phrase or word brings them to light? this morning, while reading an NPR story, that happened to me. Miyazaki. i was reading about his new movie "Ponyo" and was suddenly struck with the memory of "My Neighbor Totoro."
it was 6th grade and i lived in upstate new york. we were planning a trip down to NYC and Jersey to visit the Statue of Liberty and the Liberty Science Museum. it would be a long bus ride with my classmates and our homeroom teacher, Mrs. Townsend, was trying to get us to agree on a couple movies to watch on the road.
every suggestion someone made was booed by the rest of their peers. no one could agree on what to watch. until my friend Chris spoke up. Chris was a "new kid." he had moved to us in january and everyone took an instant liking to him. he was the kind of kid who is attractive, funny, nice, charming, fun to be around, smart, athletic, damn near perfect. even as jaded as i've become about people, i still believe he was perfect. girls and boys loved him equally and he was a friend to everyone.
anyway, Chris pipes up and says "i think we should watch My Neighbor Totoro." i don't think anyone in the room had ever heard of Miyazaki, let alone Totoro before that moment. but suddenly it was all anyone wanted to watch. we loved the idea of this foreign film suggested by Chris. we relished the way "totoro" rolled off our tongues. we chanted it for the next few days until we left for the trip. it became a mantra.
i remember the trip. i remember taking pictures in front of the statue of liberty. i remember re-enacting her pose on the bus ride home with my green foam crown i bought in the gift shop, holding a dr. pepper bottle aloft as my torch and a box of wheat thins as my tablet. i remember the electricity demostration at the museum. i remember begging my mom to get the squished penny as a souvenir.
Totoro, however, has been reduced to a few brilliant images in my mind. i know we watched the movie, i know i enjoyed it. but the movie itself isn't the memory i cherish. never since that day have i seen one person influence a group of their peers quite in the way Chris did. charisma.
and it didn't hurt that shouting "TOTORO!" at every moment drove my poor teacher nearly to the end of her rope.
it was 6th grade and i lived in upstate new york. we were planning a trip down to NYC and Jersey to visit the Statue of Liberty and the Liberty Science Museum. it would be a long bus ride with my classmates and our homeroom teacher, Mrs. Townsend, was trying to get us to agree on a couple movies to watch on the road.
every suggestion someone made was booed by the rest of their peers. no one could agree on what to watch. until my friend Chris spoke up. Chris was a "new kid." he had moved to us in january and everyone took an instant liking to him. he was the kind of kid who is attractive, funny, nice, charming, fun to be around, smart, athletic, damn near perfect. even as jaded as i've become about people, i still believe he was perfect. girls and boys loved him equally and he was a friend to everyone.
anyway, Chris pipes up and says "i think we should watch My Neighbor Totoro." i don't think anyone in the room had ever heard of Miyazaki, let alone Totoro before that moment. but suddenly it was all anyone wanted to watch. we loved the idea of this foreign film suggested by Chris. we relished the way "totoro" rolled off our tongues. we chanted it for the next few days until we left for the trip. it became a mantra.
i remember the trip. i remember taking pictures in front of the statue of liberty. i remember re-enacting her pose on the bus ride home with my green foam crown i bought in the gift shop, holding a dr. pepper bottle aloft as my torch and a box of wheat thins as my tablet. i remember the electricity demostration at the museum. i remember begging my mom to get the squished penny as a souvenir.
Totoro, however, has been reduced to a few brilliant images in my mind. i know we watched the movie, i know i enjoyed it. but the movie itself isn't the memory i cherish. never since that day have i seen one person influence a group of their peers quite in the way Chris did. charisma.
and it didn't hurt that shouting "TOTORO!" at every moment drove my poor teacher nearly to the end of her rope.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
"okay okay okay"
said like joe pesci in the lethal weapon movies (fave character!!)
anyway, i've been neglecting this blog for awhile now, not that i'm terribly sure anyone even reads it anymore. but the point being, i love writing and i need to be more disciplined about it!
so...my life recently...i finally took the GMAT and am fairly pleased with my results. and i've finally found the time to get a lot of reading and organizing and cleaning done. amazing what i can accomplish when i sleep enough at night and don't have a huge stressful test hanging over my head!
but things have been good. i've been learning a lot about what it means to rest in God and to trust His provisions. it is a lot of day-to-day living, which takes effort on my part. i'm a planner by nature and right now i'm learning obedience...which God is teaching me by leading me one step at a time.
the amazing thing though, is instead of feeling chaotic and out of control, i feel restful. there is a peace and freedom that comes with acknowledging that God is in control. and i mean REALLY in control. i don't have to worry about my friends' happiness or about my church getting out of a slump or if the nonprofits in new orleans are ever going to really band together. all of that is in God's hands. He has given me specific tasks in all of those areas, but i'm realizing those are really more about my obedience to Him than my ability to fix everything. He can fix it all without me, if He wanted to.
even just typing that and reminding myself puts a smile on my face. what a lovely place in life to find myself. i may not love my job, i might hate the heat and humidity of new orleans summer, i could probably benefit from a larger social circle...but to rest in the freedom...how beautiful.
anyway, i've been neglecting this blog for awhile now, not that i'm terribly sure anyone even reads it anymore. but the point being, i love writing and i need to be more disciplined about it!
so...my life recently...i finally took the GMAT and am fairly pleased with my results. and i've finally found the time to get a lot of reading and organizing and cleaning done. amazing what i can accomplish when i sleep enough at night and don't have a huge stressful test hanging over my head!
but things have been good. i've been learning a lot about what it means to rest in God and to trust His provisions. it is a lot of day-to-day living, which takes effort on my part. i'm a planner by nature and right now i'm learning obedience...which God is teaching me by leading me one step at a time.
the amazing thing though, is instead of feeling chaotic and out of control, i feel restful. there is a peace and freedom that comes with acknowledging that God is in control. and i mean REALLY in control. i don't have to worry about my friends' happiness or about my church getting out of a slump or if the nonprofits in new orleans are ever going to really band together. all of that is in God's hands. He has given me specific tasks in all of those areas, but i'm realizing those are really more about my obedience to Him than my ability to fix everything. He can fix it all without me, if He wanted to.
even just typing that and reminding myself puts a smile on my face. what a lovely place in life to find myself. i may not love my job, i might hate the heat and humidity of new orleans summer, i could probably benefit from a larger social circle...but to rest in the freedom...how beautiful.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
hot cooking in the kitchen...
all i want in life is a big kitchen. and lots of time to cook. and lots of money to buy ingredients and cooking supplies. and a whole bunch of other things. that's all. too much to ask for?
anyway, since i have no real singular focus for this blog, today i am choosing to write about food. which i've done before. and will probably do again.
i'm on my lunch break right now enjoying some delicious leftover lentil and veggie soup that i made last week. it is loosely based on a recipe from More With Less (fav cookbook!) basically i just started cooking a big ol' pot of green lentils with extra water. add plenty of salt. (approx 1 cup of lentils and 2 1/2 cups of water...not really sure since i added some later).
while those were cooking i peeled and chopped carrots (3 or 4). i love carrots in soup. they add such a nice flavor and color! i dumped the carrots in the pot along with the already cooking lentils, because i don't like crunchy carrots in my soup. then i chopped half an onion and several stalks of celery. i should have added these earlier than i did...the celery stayed a little crunchy which was a nice texture, but not what i wanted.
i waited until the lentils were almost cooked thoroughly and then added the celery, onions, a clove or two of garlic (chopped finely), and a can of crushed tomatoes with the juice. this is where i evaluated my liquid to goodie ratio and decided to add some water. it depends on how soupy you like your soup!
stir all this up and start adding spices!! being the new orleans convert i am, i wanted it to be flavorful and spicy. so i added plenty of salt and pepper, along with a bay leaf, some dried parsley, and some dried oregano. i probably could have cut back on the black pepper, but all in all...tastes good! the key to using spices is to just do a little bit at a time and taste. then let it simmer. taste again. add some more. simmer and taste...repeat.
i used to be terrified of herbs and spices because i didn't know what went with what and how it would taste so i always just stuck to plain old salt and pepper. using recipes with plenty of spices has gotten me past that barrier. i now know (generally) what i can add to my lentils that will taste good. or what i can add to my pasta sauce, etc... i'm still not terribly adventurous, but hopefully with time and practice, i'll become the spice queen.
anyway, the soup was delish and it made a TON. and it keeps very well in the fridge owing the the fact that there is no eggs or dairy involved.
sorry if you were hoping for a recipe with measurements...soup is usually just a way for me to use any vegetables i might have sitting around. throw them in the pot and see what happens!
anyway, since i have no real singular focus for this blog, today i am choosing to write about food. which i've done before. and will probably do again.
i'm on my lunch break right now enjoying some delicious leftover lentil and veggie soup that i made last week. it is loosely based on a recipe from More With Less (fav cookbook!) basically i just started cooking a big ol' pot of green lentils with extra water. add plenty of salt. (approx 1 cup of lentils and 2 1/2 cups of water...not really sure since i added some later).
while those were cooking i peeled and chopped carrots (3 or 4). i love carrots in soup. they add such a nice flavor and color! i dumped the carrots in the pot along with the already cooking lentils, because i don't like crunchy carrots in my soup. then i chopped half an onion and several stalks of celery. i should have added these earlier than i did...the celery stayed a little crunchy which was a nice texture, but not what i wanted.
i waited until the lentils were almost cooked thoroughly and then added the celery, onions, a clove or two of garlic (chopped finely), and a can of crushed tomatoes with the juice. this is where i evaluated my liquid to goodie ratio and decided to add some water. it depends on how soupy you like your soup!
stir all this up and start adding spices!! being the new orleans convert i am, i wanted it to be flavorful and spicy. so i added plenty of salt and pepper, along with a bay leaf, some dried parsley, and some dried oregano. i probably could have cut back on the black pepper, but all in all...tastes good! the key to using spices is to just do a little bit at a time and taste. then let it simmer. taste again. add some more. simmer and taste...repeat.
i used to be terrified of herbs and spices because i didn't know what went with what and how it would taste so i always just stuck to plain old salt and pepper. using recipes with plenty of spices has gotten me past that barrier. i now know (generally) what i can add to my lentils that will taste good. or what i can add to my pasta sauce, etc... i'm still not terribly adventurous, but hopefully with time and practice, i'll become the spice queen.
anyway, the soup was delish and it made a TON. and it keeps very well in the fridge owing the the fact that there is no eggs or dairy involved.
sorry if you were hoping for a recipe with measurements...soup is usually just a way for me to use any vegetables i might have sitting around. throw them in the pot and see what happens!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
i gave up blogs for lent...
it's true. i didn't mean to give up my own blogging though. i actually have some draft articles sitting in my dashboard...who knows if i will ever finish them. they feel mostly unfinishable.
anyway, the Lent season was an interesting time for me. waiting...waiting...sometimes i forget what i am waiting for. or maybe i feel like once Easter arrives, everything will shift into focus for me.
not so.
life has been busy, unpredictable, messy, fun, terrifying, beautiful, and overwhelming. i'm sure i've forgotten a few of the adjectives i've used over the past few months, but that about sums it up.
the funny this is this...my life has always been these things. i keep waiting for this phase of life to get over, but i don't think it's going to. i think i'm stuck in the chaos forever.
so Lent was about waiting. waiting for the confirmation of what keeps me grounded. Christ is Risen! or as my pastor's daughter wrote on the easter egg baskets at church "He Be Risen!" and that makes it all worth it.
anyway, the Lent season was an interesting time for me. waiting...waiting...sometimes i forget what i am waiting for. or maybe i feel like once Easter arrives, everything will shift into focus for me.
not so.
life has been busy, unpredictable, messy, fun, terrifying, beautiful, and overwhelming. i'm sure i've forgotten a few of the adjectives i've used over the past few months, but that about sums it up.
the funny this is this...my life has always been these things. i keep waiting for this phase of life to get over, but i don't think it's going to. i think i'm stuck in the chaos forever.
so Lent was about waiting. waiting for the confirmation of what keeps me grounded. Christ is Risen! or as my pastor's daughter wrote on the easter egg baskets at church "He Be Risen!" and that makes it all worth it.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
it is 9:30 am
and i have gotten no significant work done. i'm working from home this morning because i am waiting for my cello to be delivered. usually i can focus really well when i work from home, but for the past hour i have been distracted by:
-breakfast
-coffee
-sending a personal email about political and social topics to discuss in depth on another blog. this takes a lot of thought on my part because i am not naturally inclined to participate in these types of conversations. but i recognize the importance and the value.
-cooking kidney beans for my dinner recipe
-thinking about and planning for the elder retreat this weekend. i'm not looking forward to it. maybe i should revise that to "thinking about and planning and dreading"
-checking facebook communications
-and now this blog entry
to be fair, i have actually opened my work email. good for me. now i must go read it.
-breakfast
-coffee
-sending a personal email about political and social topics to discuss in depth on another blog. this takes a lot of thought on my part because i am not naturally inclined to participate in these types of conversations. but i recognize the importance and the value.
-cooking kidney beans for my dinner recipe
-thinking about and planning for the elder retreat this weekend. i'm not looking forward to it. maybe i should revise that to "thinking about and planning and dreading"
-checking facebook communications
-and now this blog entry
to be fair, i have actually opened my work email. good for me. now i must go read it.
Monday, January 26, 2009
everyone keeps doing this on facebook...
and you are supposed to do it too if they tag you in the note. i have yet to be tagged. but here are my 25 things (about me).
1. i just got very self-conscious about how narcissistic this activity is. especially since most likely no one will read this post.
2. i crave outdoor gear even though i live in new orleans and the closest experience i have to the "outdoors" is a walk in the park. literally. see below post.
3. i have a love affair with 97.3 KBCO in boulder and i don't care who knows it.
4. i can't remember the last time i finished an entire can of soda.
5. i made a pan of brownies the other day because i wanted just one. and then i ate three. and had to bring the rest to friends.
6. nothing makes me feel better than curling up on my couch with a good book and a cup of tea. except having someone else curled up at the other end doing the same thing.
7. so far i have lived in Oklahoma, Florida, New York, Colorado, Tennessee, and Louisiana. i have an unofficial goal of living in all 50 states. (living=at least 4 months, for the purpose of my goal)
8. some of my favorite christmas presents over the past few years have been: my merrells, webster's unabridged dictionary, a full-size cardboard cutout of Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, KBCO Studio C albums (always and forever), a teapot with matching creamer and sugar, and rainboots.
9. i ALWAYS cry at the end of When Harry Met Sally. i also have the majority of the movie memorized.
10. i secretly think i could be an amazing writer, but i'm too scared of criticism to seek advice.
11. the fact that there is no way i will ever be able to read every book written has brought me to tears. on multiple occasions.
12. i hate waking up but i LOVE being awake in the early morning.
13. i do screen my phone calls. sorry.
14. i have wasted too much of my time exploring and reading blogs. a habit i picked up when i was unemployed.
15. i would be happy if i could wear sweatpants and a white t-shirt every day for the rest of my life. but i also love costumes. every morning when i have to get dressed for work, i pretend i am dressing in my "work costume." it makes things easier for me.
16. i miss my family more and more every day. i truly regret not actually spending more time with them when i still lived in the CO.
17. i like to pretend that The Allman Brothers song "Ramblin' Man" was written just for me. especially the part where it says "on my way to New Orleans this morning, leaving out of Nashville, Tennessee" because i did that!
18. my parents' cabin "The West" is my favorite place on earth.
19. cooking meals for myself is empowering some days. and other days it is depressing when i just want to share it with someone else.
20. i can fight through a stomachache, a bad cold, or a sore back, but a bad headache knocks me out flat.
21. i can say "i wish i was skiing right now" and 97% of the time it is true.
22. i believe that if i am going to pay the airfare to make it to your wedding, the least you can do is provide free beer.
23. i like to have meetings in the mornings because if i schedule them at 9 or 9:30 i get to sleep in at least an extra half hour.
24. if i had the time and money to get a dog right now, i would get a white french bulldog.
25. i have to fight the urge to pack up my car and leave almost weekly.
1. i just got very self-conscious about how narcissistic this activity is. especially since most likely no one will read this post.
2. i crave outdoor gear even though i live in new orleans and the closest experience i have to the "outdoors" is a walk in the park. literally. see below post.
3. i have a love affair with 97.3 KBCO in boulder and i don't care who knows it.
4. i can't remember the last time i finished an entire can of soda.
5. i made a pan of brownies the other day because i wanted just one. and then i ate three. and had to bring the rest to friends.
6. nothing makes me feel better than curling up on my couch with a good book and a cup of tea. except having someone else curled up at the other end doing the same thing.
7. so far i have lived in Oklahoma, Florida, New York, Colorado, Tennessee, and Louisiana. i have an unofficial goal of living in all 50 states. (living=at least 4 months, for the purpose of my goal)
8. some of my favorite christmas presents over the past few years have been: my merrells, webster's unabridged dictionary, a full-size cardboard cutout of Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, KBCO Studio C albums (always and forever), a teapot with matching creamer and sugar, and rainboots.
9. i ALWAYS cry at the end of When Harry Met Sally. i also have the majority of the movie memorized.
10. i secretly think i could be an amazing writer, but i'm too scared of criticism to seek advice.
11. the fact that there is no way i will ever be able to read every book written has brought me to tears. on multiple occasions.
12. i hate waking up but i LOVE being awake in the early morning.
13. i do screen my phone calls. sorry.
14. i have wasted too much of my time exploring and reading blogs. a habit i picked up when i was unemployed.
15. i would be happy if i could wear sweatpants and a white t-shirt every day for the rest of my life. but i also love costumes. every morning when i have to get dressed for work, i pretend i am dressing in my "work costume." it makes things easier for me.
16. i miss my family more and more every day. i truly regret not actually spending more time with them when i still lived in the CO.
17. i like to pretend that The Allman Brothers song "Ramblin' Man" was written just for me. especially the part where it says "on my way to New Orleans this morning, leaving out of Nashville, Tennessee" because i did that!
18. my parents' cabin "The West" is my favorite place on earth.
19. cooking meals for myself is empowering some days. and other days it is depressing when i just want to share it with someone else.
20. i can fight through a stomachache, a bad cold, or a sore back, but a bad headache knocks me out flat.
21. i can say "i wish i was skiing right now" and 97% of the time it is true.
22. i believe that if i am going to pay the airfare to make it to your wedding, the least you can do is provide free beer.
23. i like to have meetings in the mornings because if i schedule them at 9 or 9:30 i get to sleep in at least an extra half hour.
24. if i had the time and money to get a dog right now, i would get a white french bulldog.
25. i have to fight the urge to pack up my car and leave almost weekly.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
what i saw on my walk in the park today...
i am into lists right now. so here goes...
1. the guy who rollerblades around the park playing his guitar
2. a golfer wearing khaki knickers, a white shirt, and a red sweater vest
3. a red balloon stuck in a tree
4. packs of middle schoolers on bicycles
5. a bagpiper. i took my headphones off to listen.
6. a white swan.
7. an old woman riding a bike with two dogs in the front basket.
8. an all white french bulldog. only makes me want one more!!
9. very short man wearing very short white shorts.
10. two college-aged guys walking on the path drinking beer.
1. the guy who rollerblades around the park playing his guitar
2. a golfer wearing khaki knickers, a white shirt, and a red sweater vest
3. a red balloon stuck in a tree
4. packs of middle schoolers on bicycles
5. a bagpiper. i took my headphones off to listen.
6. a white swan.
7. an old woman riding a bike with two dogs in the front basket.
8. an all white french bulldog. only makes me want one more!!
9. very short man wearing very short white shorts.
10. two college-aged guys walking on the path drinking beer.
Friday, January 23, 2009
10 things i like right now
1. cornbread muffins. they are so easy to make, so delicious, and a great addition to most meals!
2. my new camelback water bottle. i am way less likely to spill water all over myself with the nifty straw.
3. BLOGS! i love love love reading other people's thoughts and am just now turning on to cooking/baking blogs. more recipes to try...
4. new recipes. i made baked lentils with cheese last night from my new More-with-Less cookbook. i am trying several recipes this week. a review of the book to follow.
5. getting up early. i've always liked the idea of getting up early, but rarely do i follow through with my grand plans for a.m. success. this morning i did. i woke up, worked out (not for long...), made oatmeal for breakfast, and still got to work on time. this feeling of success will hopefully carry over to next week's schedule.
6. walking in the park. if you ever want to walk in the best. park. ever. come visit me and we will go to Audubon. seriously. the path is lined with live oaks, hanging their spanish moss over your head. lots of people and dog watching. gorgeous.
7. making a pot of tea. i have always enjoyed a cup of tea, but i just got a teapot for christmas and have enjoyed the lingering relaxation that comes with have a whole pot of tea to drink. pot of tea (plus) a good book (plus) my soft blanket (equals) an ideal evening for kristin.
8. springtime in new orleans. yes, this does occur a little earlier than in other places. the weather is starting to warm up, the sun it out for longer, the mosquitoes haven't laid claim to every inch of the outdoors yet...simply enjoyable.
9. LOST. i really enjoy the ridiculous complexity to this show. some people just get frustrated when there are more questions than answers, but i love it! what other show allows you to create conspiracy theories and develop them over a whole season before revealing the truth? well, maybe a lot, but LOST does it on an island. and with Sawyer. yum!
10. truffles. i rarely have a sweet tooth. if anything, i crave cheesey or buttery morsels. but chocolate truffles have been showing up a lot in my life. and they are gooooooooood. mmhmm.
2. my new camelback water bottle. i am way less likely to spill water all over myself with the nifty straw.
3. BLOGS! i love love love reading other people's thoughts and am just now turning on to cooking/baking blogs. more recipes to try...
4. new recipes. i made baked lentils with cheese last night from my new More-with-Less cookbook. i am trying several recipes this week. a review of the book to follow.
5. getting up early. i've always liked the idea of getting up early, but rarely do i follow through with my grand plans for a.m. success. this morning i did. i woke up, worked out (not for long...), made oatmeal for breakfast, and still got to work on time. this feeling of success will hopefully carry over to next week's schedule.
6. walking in the park. if you ever want to walk in the best. park. ever. come visit me and we will go to Audubon. seriously. the path is lined with live oaks, hanging their spanish moss over your head. lots of people and dog watching. gorgeous.
7. making a pot of tea. i have always enjoyed a cup of tea, but i just got a teapot for christmas and have enjoyed the lingering relaxation that comes with have a whole pot of tea to drink. pot of tea (plus) a good book (plus) my soft blanket (equals) an ideal evening for kristin.
8. springtime in new orleans. yes, this does occur a little earlier than in other places. the weather is starting to warm up, the sun it out for longer, the mosquitoes haven't laid claim to every inch of the outdoors yet...simply enjoyable.
9. LOST. i really enjoy the ridiculous complexity to this show. some people just get frustrated when there are more questions than answers, but i love it! what other show allows you to create conspiracy theories and develop them over a whole season before revealing the truth? well, maybe a lot, but LOST does it on an island. and with Sawyer. yum!
10. truffles. i rarely have a sweet tooth. if anything, i crave cheesey or buttery morsels. but chocolate truffles have been showing up a lot in my life. and they are gooooooooood. mmhmm.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
january 12. my birthday.
i woke up yesterday morning, early enough to have some breakfast and check my email before making it to my weekly nonprofit meeting. i had fallen asleep in what i had been wearing since the previous afternoon, so i thought a costume change would be prudent. problem was, most of my pants were still wet from saturday laundry day. (i've stopped using the dryer. this saves me $1.25 a load and it's a little more envirofriendly) one pair of black pants were mostly dry, just a little stiff from hanging out the past two days. to remedy this problem, i hung them in front of my gas heater while i ran into the bedroom to change shirts.
i walked back into the living room to retrieve my pants, literally less than 3 minutes later, only to find a problem. a big problem. either my pants were too close or the heater was turned on too high because there was definitely a hole singed through the back of my pants. i snatched them up before further damage (read: flames!) could occur when my smoke detector started going off. at 8 am. i frantically dragged the closest chair over to the wall to yank the battery out. in an apartment where i can hear my neighbors shuffling papers next door, a fire alarm going off at 8 am was definitely going to be an issue. luckily i think i got it off fast enough that whoever it woke up could fall back asleep quickly enough.
so i stood there, the morning of my 25th birthday, with singed pants in one hand and my smoke detector in the other. i started to get that familiar feeling. anger, disappointment, frustration at my stupid decision or lack of focus that had led to this situation. the feelings gripped my chest and started to wrap their talons tighter. all of a sudden it was turning into my worst. birthday. ever! all before 8:30 am.
but something reminded me that it didn't have to be. i didn't have to be angry and disappointed and frustrated. i could inhale deeply (despite the wisps of smoke) and let go. so i did. and then i started laughing. hard. i had gotten so wrapped up in everything i had done wrong and could have done better that i missed the hilarity and ridiculousness of the situation. and boy was it hilarious and ridiculous!
years ago my grandmother (neeno) gave me a little trinket for christmas. she is one of those grandmothers who always finds little things that everyone else would pass right over. this trinket happens to be a little pewter cube that has the imprint of an angel on one side and the words "angels fly because they take themselves lightly" on another. while most of my other little trinkets have stayed behind in boxes at my parents' house, this little cube has travelled with me. and it reminds me that i must take myself lightly or forever be banished to crawling on the ground.
i almost let myself crawl through my 25 birthday, but i didn't. i made a choice to laugh and i flew. what was shaping up to be the worst. birthday. ever. became one of the best. soon after my laughter died down, i heard my work phone ringing. it was my boss telling me to take the day off and celebrate my birthday. so i did. with a big piece of chocolate cake for breakfast.
i walked back into the living room to retrieve my pants, literally less than 3 minutes later, only to find a problem. a big problem. either my pants were too close or the heater was turned on too high because there was definitely a hole singed through the back of my pants. i snatched them up before further damage (read: flames!) could occur when my smoke detector started going off. at 8 am. i frantically dragged the closest chair over to the wall to yank the battery out. in an apartment where i can hear my neighbors shuffling papers next door, a fire alarm going off at 8 am was definitely going to be an issue. luckily i think i got it off fast enough that whoever it woke up could fall back asleep quickly enough.
so i stood there, the morning of my 25th birthday, with singed pants in one hand and my smoke detector in the other. i started to get that familiar feeling. anger, disappointment, frustration at my stupid decision or lack of focus that had led to this situation. the feelings gripped my chest and started to wrap their talons tighter. all of a sudden it was turning into my worst. birthday. ever! all before 8:30 am.
but something reminded me that it didn't have to be. i didn't have to be angry and disappointed and frustrated. i could inhale deeply (despite the wisps of smoke) and let go. so i did. and then i started laughing. hard. i had gotten so wrapped up in everything i had done wrong and could have done better that i missed the hilarity and ridiculousness of the situation. and boy was it hilarious and ridiculous!
years ago my grandmother (neeno) gave me a little trinket for christmas. she is one of those grandmothers who always finds little things that everyone else would pass right over. this trinket happens to be a little pewter cube that has the imprint of an angel on one side and the words "angels fly because they take themselves lightly" on another. while most of my other little trinkets have stayed behind in boxes at my parents' house, this little cube has travelled with me. and it reminds me that i must take myself lightly or forever be banished to crawling on the ground.
i almost let myself crawl through my 25 birthday, but i didn't. i made a choice to laugh and i flew. what was shaping up to be the worst. birthday. ever. became one of the best. soon after my laughter died down, i heard my work phone ringing. it was my boss telling me to take the day off and celebrate my birthday. so i did. with a big piece of chocolate cake for breakfast.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
birthday reflections
one year ago today my cousin anthony collapsed and died while out on a run in his neighborhood. he had a heart condition that his doctor's had been monitoring, but no one knew it was so severe. his death was completely unexpected and tragic. he had been living with his older sister and her daughter in Macon, GA.
i got the call from my dad on my way home from work last year. i was in nashville, getting geared up to move to new orleans. it is strange how this kind of news hits you. my cousin and i weren't particularly close, i hadn't seen him in years. but all the same, he was someone who had been around my whole life. his existence as my cousin anthony had never been called into question.
the day after his death, my friends in nashville took me out for my birthday to my favorite fish'n'chips joint in east nashville. i hadn't wanted to go, but my roommate anna insisted. i ended up having a decent time thanks to greasy fried fish and generous helpings of sam adams.
the next morning i woke up and got in my car to drive to georgia. the wake was that night and the funeral service the next day. the rest of my family was flying out from the CO and i would meet them there. it was strange, thinking of them all together and me making my lonely trek across eastern tennessee and through the perils of atlanta drivers. i made it for the end part of the wake and viewing. my grandmother was beside herself, as to be expected, and kept telling me she was sorry for leaving my birthday card in the car. as if my birthday was more significant than this other thing that was happening to the family.
still, a year later, i can feel the sorrow and weight that was in that room with anthony's body. he was too young. he was 25.
i think i will always now connect my birthday with his death, them just being a day apart. it is a morbid and bittersweet reminder of how short life can be. last year he died at 25 and i was turning 24. and now a year later i am 25 and he is gone. how can i live my life so that if my days are cut as short as his were, no one will think of it as a loss? can i make my days so full that there is never a question that i am truly living?
last night over margarita's my friend jersey said to me, "i really feel like i am living everyday. some days are boring, sure, but this is where i am supposed to be and i'm *living* everyday."
am i truly living every single day? are you? from what i learned last year, anthony was.
i got the call from my dad on my way home from work last year. i was in nashville, getting geared up to move to new orleans. it is strange how this kind of news hits you. my cousin and i weren't particularly close, i hadn't seen him in years. but all the same, he was someone who had been around my whole life. his existence as my cousin anthony had never been called into question.
the day after his death, my friends in nashville took me out for my birthday to my favorite fish'n'chips joint in east nashville. i hadn't wanted to go, but my roommate anna insisted. i ended up having a decent time thanks to greasy fried fish and generous helpings of sam adams.
the next morning i woke up and got in my car to drive to georgia. the wake was that night and the funeral service the next day. the rest of my family was flying out from the CO and i would meet them there. it was strange, thinking of them all together and me making my lonely trek across eastern tennessee and through the perils of atlanta drivers. i made it for the end part of the wake and viewing. my grandmother was beside herself, as to be expected, and kept telling me she was sorry for leaving my birthday card in the car. as if my birthday was more significant than this other thing that was happening to the family.
still, a year later, i can feel the sorrow and weight that was in that room with anthony's body. he was too young. he was 25.
i think i will always now connect my birthday with his death, them just being a day apart. it is a morbid and bittersweet reminder of how short life can be. last year he died at 25 and i was turning 24. and now a year later i am 25 and he is gone. how can i live my life so that if my days are cut as short as his were, no one will think of it as a loss? can i make my days so full that there is never a question that i am truly living?
last night over margarita's my friend jersey said to me, "i really feel like i am living everyday. some days are boring, sure, but this is where i am supposed to be and i'm *living* everyday."
am i truly living every single day? are you? from what i learned last year, anthony was.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
i'm experiencing a lack of motivation at work this week, probably stemming from the fact that i had a meeting with my boss monday morning telling him i am officially looking for other jobs. this doesn't mean i will be leaving anytime soon or that my work now magically doesn't need to get done. but i am now consumed by the idea of change.
change has always been a big "something" in my life. i credit myself with being a "restless wanderer." while so far this has been true in my life, it is one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. i see myself as a person who moves around a lot and doesn't stay settled, so i tend to create situations for myself where this is the solution. or maybe that is just me being paranoid about myself.
in any case, i told my boss that i am looking for new jobs...mostly because there is currently no security for my job past june 30 and i don't want to sit around waiting until then to find out if i need a new job. this is the problem with your job being funded by grants! so i started looking around in new orleans...and elsewhere.
this has brought about all sorts of anxieties for me. money, moving, commitment issues...is it time for me to leave? am i abandoning my friends and church family down here? what about my commitment to be an elder at my church? is finding a good job worth leaving all this behind? where is GOD leading me? or is HE telling me to stay put?
those who know me know that i can talk myself in some pretty tight circles with these kinds of issues. i'm trying to step back, evaluate, pray, discuss (in logical terms), and decide.
the truth is i have found jobs that interest me all over the country, and none in new orleans...so far. i guess i just need to breathe *in* *out* and wait. i'm just no good at waiting.
change has always been a big "something" in my life. i credit myself with being a "restless wanderer." while so far this has been true in my life, it is one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. i see myself as a person who moves around a lot and doesn't stay settled, so i tend to create situations for myself where this is the solution. or maybe that is just me being paranoid about myself.
in any case, i told my boss that i am looking for new jobs...mostly because there is currently no security for my job past june 30 and i don't want to sit around waiting until then to find out if i need a new job. this is the problem with your job being funded by grants! so i started looking around in new orleans...and elsewhere.
this has brought about all sorts of anxieties for me. money, moving, commitment issues...is it time for me to leave? am i abandoning my friends and church family down here? what about my commitment to be an elder at my church? is finding a good job worth leaving all this behind? where is GOD leading me? or is HE telling me to stay put?
those who know me know that i can talk myself in some pretty tight circles with these kinds of issues. i'm trying to step back, evaluate, pray, discuss (in logical terms), and decide.
the truth is i have found jobs that interest me all over the country, and none in new orleans...so far. i guess i just need to breathe *in* *out* and wait. i'm just no good at waiting.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
feeling rather lethargic today. could be emotional hangover from yesterday? tough to be sure. but i did go see Marley and Me last night which inevitably reminded me of my old dog. Carmen. *sigh*
she was also a yellow lab and pretty incorrigible. also dumb as bricks. but she was the sweetest dog in the world. all she wanted was to love and be loved. isn't that the great thing about dogs? their capacity for unconditional love. i don't care what people say that casts doubt on their cognizant ability to love, i truly believe they love fully. Carmen did, at least.
i remember everything about our lives together, from going to pick her up from the breeder to watching her drift away that last day at the vet's office. oh i really can't talk about this now or i will start to cry.
if you have a dog, go give him or her a big hug from me. and remember to soak in their love.
she was also a yellow lab and pretty incorrigible. also dumb as bricks. but she was the sweetest dog in the world. all she wanted was to love and be loved. isn't that the great thing about dogs? their capacity for unconditional love. i don't care what people say that casts doubt on their cognizant ability to love, i truly believe they love fully. Carmen did, at least.
i remember everything about our lives together, from going to pick her up from the breeder to watching her drift away that last day at the vet's office. oh i really can't talk about this now or i will start to cry.
if you have a dog, go give him or her a big hug from me. and remember to soak in their love.
Monday, January 5, 2009
today's winner was plain couscous with tomatoes and spinach. cook the couscous as you normally would...2 parts water to 1 part couscous (roughly) and when about 3/4 of the way done, add chopped tomatoes and spinach. stir to mix well. season with salt and pepper to taste. soooooo delish.
annnnnd now i'm off to take a walk in the park!
annnnnd now i'm off to take a walk in the park!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
progress?
well, it's sunday, so i supposed a day off is in order...but!
1) i saved money by using a gift card for coffee today
2) i declined an invite to get a pedi (which i really don't like anyway) in an effort to spend less frivolously
3) used my leftover lentils to make a soup and it was good!
in other news, my apartment is a wreck because it has been storming and my ceiling leaks...right over where i keep my books! so there are stacks of books on my dining room table. i am also in the process of importing ALL of my cds to my computer. and apparently that can create quite a mess too.
one step forward, two steps back.
1) i saved money by using a gift card for coffee today
2) i declined an invite to get a pedi (which i really don't like anyway) in an effort to spend less frivolously
3) used my leftover lentils to make a soup and it was good!
in other news, my apartment is a wreck because it has been storming and my ceiling leaks...right over where i keep my books! so there are stacks of books on my dining room table. i am also in the process of importing ALL of my cds to my computer. and apparently that can create quite a mess too.
one step forward, two steps back.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Happy New Year!
i have always hated new year's resolutions. i don't particularly like to resolve myself to doing things in the coming year. so i started calling them revolutions and making them more of a shift in my life. i still don't really like them, but continue to come up with them because what better time to set goals than at the beginning of a new year? or is it rather arbitrary? what makes january 1 any different than december 31? anyway...
-study regularly for the GMAT with the goal of a 600
-narrow down b-schools to apply to
-get a new job (eh, this one depends on a lot of factors)
-add at least 3 states to my "i've been to" list
-visit...San Diego (Feb 13-15!) Seattle (???) and Michigan/Chicago (4th of July?)
-spend a mandatory three hours a week writing (for peacemaker or other)
-read everyday
-write on this blog everyday...even just a little bit
-use my new More-with-Less cookbook at least 4 meals a week
-be a better manager of my money (save, tithe, pay off debt, spend less frivolously)
-get back into "spring of 2007" shape
and that sounds like enough for now. goodness. if i did those things it certainly would revolutionize my life. in all of that my overarching goal is to focus on what i have going on in my life right now and what is already set up for the future. i don't need to added distraction of seeking out things that i "should" have going on like a boyfriend, a garden, art projects, etc...
that should be it for now. good night.
-study regularly for the GMAT with the goal of a 600
-narrow down b-schools to apply to
-get a new job (eh, this one depends on a lot of factors)
-add at least 3 states to my "i've been to" list
-visit...San Diego (Feb 13-15!) Seattle (???) and Michigan/Chicago (4th of July?)
-spend a mandatory three hours a week writing (for peacemaker or other)
-read everyday
-write on this blog everyday...even just a little bit
-use my new More-with-Less cookbook at least 4 meals a week
-be a better manager of my money (save, tithe, pay off debt, spend less frivolously)
-get back into "spring of 2007" shape
and that sounds like enough for now. goodness. if i did those things it certainly would revolutionize my life. in all of that my overarching goal is to focus on what i have going on in my life right now and what is already set up for the future. i don't need to added distraction of seeking out things that i "should" have going on like a boyfriend, a garden, art projects, etc...
that should be it for now. good night.
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