the waiting game

i've never been good at playing hard to get. i've always been more of a come and get it kind of girl. despite the very dirty connotation my cousin insinuated on my facebook wall, this is me to a T. i HATE waiting for someone else to make a move...whether it's in relationships, at work, at church, with pretty much anything. i do not like waiting for the unknown. i would rather put it all on the table and move on from there.

i remember the last relationship i was in. it was an old friend of mine and we reconnected through some random circumstances. anyway, he was a long way from colorado so the beginning stages took place via phone calls and text messages. my heart would leap inside my chest when i heard my phone ding! because no one else ever texted me. finally, after what seemed like ages, he brought up the direction of our relationship. i think i even said "i've been waiting for you to bring this up!" and really it had been about 3 weeks, which was an eternity for me!

when left to my own devices i just get right in there. i don't like to wait to be pursued, which is what many of my friends have told me i should do as the girl. ugh. i mean, great for them if they find a guy who pursues them. i just don't have to patience to wait and wait. i get antsy. and i call people. and i say things like "so, i dig you. is this going anywhere?"

so while my friends are waiting for the man who will pursue them, i'm waiting for the man who won't be scared by how forward i am.

anderson cooper

last night my friend and i went to a live taping of Anderson Cooper 360 at Musician's Village in the upper 9th ward. Musician's Village is basically a neighborhood of houses built by Habitat for Humanity. so anyway, anderson loves new orleans and broadcast from here in honor of the 4th anniversary of katrina.

i do not usually get star struck but OMG! not only is he gorgeous (even more so in person!) but he is super nice, smart, and professional. it was so much fun to watch him do his show. AND we got a picture with him afterwards. such bliss.

the first summer i was here he was still coming down to new orleans to do broadcasts a couple times a month. i remember thinking to myself that surely, at some point, i would get a chance to encounter him. and now i have. checked it off my list this morning!

one step at a time

trying to live one step at a time is so difficult in our plan-obsessed culture. especially when you are a planned-obsessed person. God keeps showing me the next step, but nothing beyond that.

as i told my church committee members last night, i am not the person to whom God is going to reveal some larger plan or a detailed timeline. that's just not where He has me right now. it's all about the day-to-day steps. one foot in front of the other.

this is becoming increasingly difficult as i am becoming more accustomed to the idea of moving back to the CO. like i said in an earlier post, i have entered the good-bye phase, but i'm trying to remain present. this means keeping up with my current tasks and not day-dreaming about the dog i'm going to adopt when i move home.

i am not entirely sure if i'll even be able to completely let go of my plans for the future. i think it is part of my nature, something that God created in me to use for His purpose. but occasionally i need to scale it back.

the funny thing is that i have plenty on my plate right now in terms of immediate tasks, but i still like to busy myself with the future. *sigh* as much as i hate the predictable, i am always anxious to get to a place of stability. are those mutually exclusive? perhaps that is an analysis for another day...

third time starting this post. humility is not an easy thing to write about. i feel like over and over again God tells me that my pride is getting in the way. sometimes i listen, but more often i don't. i'm trying to hard to listen right now. i think that my pride has compromised a few tasks that the Lord has given me over the past year. i'm trying to figure out which ones to stick to with a changed attitude and which ones to let go.

not easy.

some days i just need a few things that keep me grounded...that allow me to stay sane and not go off the deep end. so far, these are the things that have kept me from getting in my car and heading west today.

-a soy chai from starbucks.

-a work meeting with Jocelyn over good coffee...that turned into a life meeting...over 2 hours.

-listening to kbco.com at work alone in my office. jackson browne is singing the mystic right now.

-talking to my mom on the phone.

-remembering to take my frozen red bean leftovers out to thaw so i have a good dinner already cooked for tonight.

-the dirty dishes in my sink (strangely enough).

-a walk in the park this evening, because the weather in incredible.

my relationship with NPR

i listen to NPR on the way to work every morning. i love hearing the radio voices talking about current issues and news items. i love feeling educated and cool enough to listen to NPR. i like to pretend that i am making myself smarter and more informed. however, here is a sample of what actually happens when i listen to NPR:

1) yesterday's release of the lockerbie bomber (i just had to look up what he was called) was a big story yesterday afternoon
2) the scottish prime minister? president? guy talked about his reason for release being "mercy and compassion"
3) i become fascinated by how the word "mercy" sound when said in a scottish accent
4) i turn the radio down and spend 10 minutes trying to perfect my scottish accent
5) i remember nothing else from the 30 minutes it was on during my drive

yes, i am, without a doubt, becoming a more intelligent and better informed member of society.

haven't i been here before?

an actual snippet from a conversation with a friend last night...

me: i just wish God would tell me what to do and then i can say yes, and that will be how i'm obedient.

him: have you ever spent time thinking about how good you would have been as a pharisaical jew?

me: (laughing)

him: i'll take that as a no. maybe you should take some time to think about it.

me: (still laughing) i hope that was supposed to make me laugh.

him: (begins laughing)

the truth is he's right. i want my faith to be straightforward in the way that i want the rest of my life to be laid out for me. i don't particularly dig the "go with the flow" or "let's see what happens" kind of approach. i like plans. i like timelines. i like direction.

God continues to turn that on me. and i mean that in a good way! right now i feel that my life is about learning obediance...but it isn't the model of obediance that i want. it isn't Him giving me rules or a path to follow. it's about me listening to Him daily and explicitly trusting Him to open or shut doors. it's about me waking up in the morning and asking the same question every day. "what now, God?" "just wait, I'll show you..."

last night i was discouraged because it seems like i've been learning this same lesson my whole life. and i don't know that i'll ever get to a place where i can truly say "i've learned that...let's move on to something else." i think i'll always struggle with this kind of trust.

today, i'm okay with that. the tension between my human nature and what God wants from me reminds me of the gap. it reminds me that i need him. as much as i want to get to a place where i can say "look how much i've grown!" i don't ever want to get to a place where i say "i don't need you anymore God."

so He continues to speak. and i continue to listen.

alone in the office

for some reason i love when my boss is out of the office for a full day. don't get me wrong, i love my boss. i've had a lot of great supervisors over the past several years and i would say current boss is one of the best. he's funny and supports my ideas and gives me a lot of flexibility in my work schedule. but i dig it when he's gone.

first of all, i should point out that he and i share an office. so it isn't like he works down the hall. his desk is about three feet from mine. also, it is standard procedure to keep our office door open at all times. usually this is fine, but we share an office suite with a program that provides supportive living services for individuals with disabilities. there are always people stopping by to pick up checks or have meetings or to attend trainings...so it can get pretty loud.

so i love when my boss isn't here and i get to shut the door and play kbco online and zone out the rest of the office. i can focus on certain projects that take a little more uninterrupted concentration. i can return voicemail without feeling self-conscious that other people can hear my phone conversations. i can let the phone go to voicemail if i don't want to answer it right away.

there is just something about working unsupervised that feel freeing. not that my boss cracks the whip very often, but i love feeling unfettered in my pace of the work day. and not having to explain my love of folk music to my reggae and hiphip loving boss. so good.

theme parties

when i was in high school and college, my friends and i had theme parties all the time. every birthday, anniversary, event, holiday, friday... called for a trip to the party store and the local thrift store.

i remember a few really great themes we pulled off. there was an "america" party for a friend who had just gotten his U.S. citizenship. we, of course, had the obligatory red, white, and blue streamers. everyone had to wear a name tag that said their name along with their favorite place in america. these ranged from "new york city" to "freddie mercury's pants." we all signed a PBR tallboy to present to the new american and presented this, along with a flag cake, to him while playing Neil Diamond's "America." it was a beautiful moment.

there was also an olympics party, a zoolander party, and others. but to me, the best will always be the white trash prom. for my friend Kaela's birthday we celebrated in big style. she was the pregnant prom queen "drinking for two." i was the sexually agressive single mother chaperone. we had a keg of root beer (we were all still under 21). i think a guy showed up wearing just a robe. we decorated our apartment in true prom style, with streamers from the ceiling, balloons, twinkle lights, etc... we even had to cops called on us because we were being so loud. i answered the door in character and we were probably the best call they went to that night.

anyway, all this to say that i love dressing up in themes. it was so common for my friends and me back home, but i've found that not everyone has the same desire to spend hours searching for the perfect 90s style dress or the ideal blonde wig. but i'm always up for a good theme party. any time any place.

the beginning of goodbye

i'm trying as hard as i can to not start to detach myself from my life here. i'm staying engaged at work (mostly), still putting effort into the activities i'm involved with at church, still making time for friends, still cleaning and decorating my apartment...but i can't help but feel that i've hit the beginning of the end.

i'm not really sure how long this goodbye will last. it might be a few more weeks or it might be another year. but i do feel a distinct sense that my time here in New Orleans is coming to a close. i think acknowledging the end can be good. it gives you an opportunity to really appreciate what you have around you. for me, this includes more walks in Audubon Park, more nights at The Columns, plenty of jazz on Frenchmen St, finally eating at Cochon, perfecting my red beans and rice recipe, buying something wonderful from one of the antique shops on Magazine, and of course, above and beyond all this, spending the most quality time with my loved ones here.

the key to saying goodbye, over any length of time, is living in the moment. don't dread the goodbyes and certainly don't avoid them. never be too anxious to move on. sit in your blessings and savour. a friend once encouraged me to make sure that i lived so that there was plenty to miss everytime i left. and trust me, there will be plenty to miss about this place.

My Neighbor Totoro

you know those memories that seem to get lost until one day a phrase or word brings them to light? this morning, while reading an NPR story, that happened to me. Miyazaki. i was reading about his new movie "Ponyo" and was suddenly struck with the memory of "My Neighbor Totoro."

it was 6th grade and i lived in upstate new york. we were planning a trip down to NYC and Jersey to visit the Statue of Liberty and the Liberty Science Museum. it would be a long bus ride with my classmates and our homeroom teacher, Mrs. Townsend, was trying to get us to agree on a couple movies to watch on the road.

every suggestion someone made was booed by the rest of their peers. no one could agree on what to watch. until my friend Chris spoke up. Chris was a "new kid." he had moved to us in january and everyone took an instant liking to him. he was the kind of kid who is attractive, funny, nice, charming, fun to be around, smart, athletic, damn near perfect. even as jaded as i've become about people, i still believe he was perfect. girls and boys loved him equally and he was a friend to everyone.

anyway, Chris pipes up and says "i think we should watch My Neighbor Totoro." i don't think anyone in the room had ever heard of Miyazaki, let alone Totoro before that moment. but suddenly it was all anyone wanted to watch. we loved the idea of this foreign film suggested by Chris. we relished the way "totoro" rolled off our tongues. we chanted it for the next few days until we left for the trip. it became a mantra.

i remember the trip. i remember taking pictures in front of the statue of liberty. i remember re-enacting her pose on the bus ride home with my green foam crown i bought in the gift shop, holding a dr. pepper bottle aloft as my torch and a box of wheat thins as my tablet. i remember the electricity demostration at the museum. i remember begging my mom to get the squished penny as a souvenir.

Totoro, however, has been reduced to a few brilliant images in my mind. i know we watched the movie, i know i enjoyed it. but the movie itself isn't the memory i cherish. never since that day have i seen one person influence a group of their peers quite in the way Chris did. charisma.

and it didn't hurt that shouting "TOTORO!" at every moment drove my poor teacher nearly to the end of her rope.

"okay okay okay"

said like joe pesci in the lethal weapon movies (fave character!!)

anyway, i've been neglecting this blog for awhile now, not that i'm terribly sure anyone even reads it anymore. but the point being, i love writing and i need to be more disciplined about it!

so...my life recently...i finally took the GMAT and am fairly pleased with my results. and i've finally found the time to get a lot of reading and organizing and cleaning done. amazing what i can accomplish when i sleep enough at night and don't have a huge stressful test hanging over my head!

but things have been good. i've been learning a lot about what it means to rest in God and to trust His provisions. it is a lot of day-to-day living, which takes effort on my part. i'm a planner by nature and right now i'm learning obedience...which God is teaching me by leading me one step at a time.

the amazing thing though, is instead of feeling chaotic and out of control, i feel restful. there is a peace and freedom that comes with acknowledging that God is in control. and i mean REALLY in control. i don't have to worry about my friends' happiness or about my church getting out of a slump or if the nonprofits in new orleans are ever going to really band together. all of that is in God's hands. He has given me specific tasks in all of those areas, but i'm realizing those are really more about my obedience to Him than my ability to fix everything. He can fix it all without me, if He wanted to.

even just typing that and reminding myself puts a smile on my face. what a lovely place in life to find myself. i may not love my job, i might hate the heat and humidity of new orleans summer, i could probably benefit from a larger social circle...but to rest in the freedom...how beautiful.